Naivety

I've been reminiscing a lot recently and frankly speaking, I don't even know why. I think about past loves and past relationships and also friendships. There were at least two relationships in which it began from a friendship first. One of them acts like we never knew each other at all and the other keeps a distance from me as of this moment.

Perhaps it is for the best, I guess. When I love, I love too hard and yet when my heart gets broken, I still love the person who broke my heart in some way. If I were to put it into words, I guess my heart is torn up with many missing puzzle pieces and I know that those pieces will never return somehow.

I turned 26 this year and I find it hard to believe that I've been through ups and downs of relationships since I was 14. Sometimes I thought to myself, wow it's been 12 years since my first ever relationship? Out of all of the six exes I ever had (I had really short relationships and mostly got dumped), I can safely say that only one remained as a friend who I can talk to almost all the time and the other one who I thought would stay friend as well has become really distant from me.

I admit that when I was younger, I crushed easily and it was very easy for me to confess and I was naive enough to believe that the guy felt the same way for me when they told me that it was ok and for us to try working out a relationship only to find out later that I was being used all along. One guy who was my confidante once confessed to me because he couldn't stand me crying anymore for another guy who dumped me through a phone call and yet six months later, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore.

I actually for once went through a rebound phase after that because there were no obvious signs at all that our relationship was in trouble and yet to get a text saying "let's break up, I don't love you anymore", I think my world kind of turned upside down a little bit. Best part was that I was actually acting out a break up scene the next day for an assignment video so needless to say, the poor guy acting out the guy dumping me actually got slapped for real when he couldn't dodge in time.

It was then I realized that I was really affected by the break up and I even stupidly confessed to one of my best friends at that point in time but my best friend was smart enough to realize that I was just going through a rebound stage hence he never returned my feelings. I guess there were already signs that it would not work out with the guy who dumped me but I chose to naively believe that love would conquer all and that it would be us against the world.

I was only 18 at that point in time and yet I felt like I didn't want to fall for someone again for a long long time. I guess fate has a funny way of playing with us as I fell again less than a year later and it was my longest yet most disastrous relationship ever. I lost so many things in that relationship, I lost my spark, I lost my innocence, I lost my naivety but most of all, I lost that part of me who trusts in love.

When I finally left him after all of the abuse, I realized that I found it hard to believe that I was worthy to be loved and also hard to trust anyone saying that they loved me for me because I jumped through so many hoops in order to be loved by him and was never made to feel that I would be loved for myself that until this day, I still carry that insecurity with me despite having in a committed relationship for almost 5 and 1/2 years now.

Occasionally I see people younger than me and they have so much hope for their relationship and me being the cynic will be thinking to myself that they should just wait and see. I wish I never lost that naive side of myself because it does get really hard to believe that you can loved just for being yourself and that people can be trusted. I'm always 99% in but 1% out just so that I don't 100% lose myself ever again.

Ode To The Past

I have met a soulmate
but alas we were never to be
He, the angel and I, the fallen one
The moment our lips touched,
it felt perfect and pure yet
sinful and pleasurable at the same time.

The one that got away was never fully in my grasp
but I was lucky to call him mine
even if it was just those short three weeks
As days, weeks, months and eventually years went by,
I still wondered if he had ever loved me
even if it was just for a short moment.
Perhaps if he did then this heart will not
still have a hole that is left by him ripping that piece out
and it was never marked return to owner
because he never wanted to return it.
Perhaps that is all that is meant to be
for this chapter of the story that
will be left open ended as the end is
one that is left to fate and destiny to write.

You were but a boy and I was but a girl
Who were we to think that we could
stand a chance against this world?
When you left, it didn't hurt me
that you were leaving,
the thing that hurt was that
you said you no longer loved me.
The deeper I fell, the more you
pushed back and recoiled.
Even when years passed,
all you could say was that you
must have been stupid for
falling for me back then and
here's my reply to that,
I was stupid to have accepted
your love and to love you back too.

He must never be named because
he doesn't go by the name I know him
by anymore
The one I lost most to but also the same one
that taught me that love can be taken for granted
because he took mine for granted
The one I trusted all of his lies and the same one
that I told all of my truths to
The one that I saw myself walking down the aisle with
only to find that it was not the same vision that he had in his mind.
The one who said forever promise first yet
the same one who broke it first
The one who raised his hands at me and yet the same one
I defended because I loved him that much
The one who no longer is in my life neither am I in his
We're just strangers who knew each other
in a past life because the me that was with him
died the moment that the illusion was shattered.

Late Night Thoughts

I banish the thoughts of you that creep into my mind with songs in my head and a good measure of a song that reminds me of the way that I felt. Everything was like fireworks, it sparkled and as soon as the beauty of it faded, it burn out and fizzled just like how the relationship went.

Everything felt amazing and great in that moment, It wasn't until I realised how I left a piece of myself behind that it felt broken. "If you walk out that door, everything will change. Don't ever think you can come back", that was the line said to me but do you know what I still remember hearing? The sound of my back slamming against the door as you pushed me against it, the sound your hand made gripping my arm so hard to prevent me from leaving. The grip that left me with such beautiful bruises.

But then again, scars and bruises fade but yet the ache in my heart doesn't. I will forever be left traumatised and scared of fully immersing myself in love. I love but cautiously and always with one part of me out of it. I tend to want to run when fights occur only because I am so scared of what happened in the past will happen again.

I should have never given myself up to you but then again, I was naively in love and sometimes, love makes everyone do foolish things that they would never do if they were thinking logically or had a chance to step back and think wisely. But if love was wise then no one would ever be impulsive. Love feels like you drank a little too much and as you are sobering up, you drink up again which becomes a never ending cycle.

You might never read this and even if you do, I hope you will not flatter yourself by thinking I'm still not over you. I'm over you, I'm just hurting from what you put me through which has left me with thoughts that should be banished from my head.

Past Loves, Closeness, Friendships

Come to realize something awkward yet at the same time comfortable. All of my close guy friends other than my two college mates are somehow an ex crush or an ex. Maybe because of the sense of closeness? I don't know, after all KZ did say he does not believe in best girl friend or best guy friend and that your best friend who is the opposite sex should be your significant other.

I do agree with him but yet sometimes certain things are just too awkward to say, maybe its not so awkward to speak about it to an ex crush or an ex because you know the fire isn't there anymore and I could actually even joke around about the past. I spoke to both M.G and K.Z last night and the topics came to relationships which both of them agreed that maybe why they didn't take me on back then was because of the fact that either they didn't feel ready enough to commit or like KZ said, he wants to have a significant other who is a best friend too and I wasn't that.

With M.G, we got closer after my break up with my past love, he knew of what happened. He was there to see me through everything, to lend a shoulder to lean on or even just a listening ear for my sobs and cries. Over the years, we may go through months without talking to each other but I can just pick up my phone, call him and he will be there to listen just like time stopped.

I will admit this, we had great chemistry, we laughed together and got each other's sarcasm in sync but the things that stopped us from moving forward was of a certain thing I did with my past love and he liked me a lot but that became a barrier even though he felt like I was his perfect girl. Did he find someone after me? Nope but he did say that even though he feels lonely, he feels he is unable to give such commitment and time which I perfectly understand.

We actually half laughed when I brought up that I gave him a chance but he said no. I guess sometimes you do have what ifs and second thoughts. After all, I'm turning 25 next year and that would mean that me & WH would have been together for 4 years plus. How many couples you find these days that last in their relationship throughout the whole early twenties?

As for KZ, I was 13 when I loved him and I use the word love instead of crush was because without him being there, I would have suffocated. High school was not easy for me, it was trying times. He helped me through without even knowing it but like I said, I was not the one who would be his best friend and significant other. Out of everyone, I think he let me down the gentlest of which I will be grateful.

S was an ex, but more than that, he was like another brother to me and we knew each other for 10 years because I made that mistake to try to push things further. We were only together for 3 weeks but he will forever remain the one who got away. He was the one there for me through everything though I must admit I feel that we never really got any closures. It was such a sudden breakup and sudden makeup to being friends due to the fact that he is a family friend that we never really brought it up since. How do you bring up something that happened 7 years ago? It is extremely awkward.

I have no issues calling up KZ or M.G every few months but when it comes to S, I can't even bring myself to go to his name in my phone and press the call button. Maybe someday I will but not now especially since we have not spoken to each other personally in more than a year. Some of you might say that all these is being so unfair to WH and I would agree but do know where I'm coming from. When I love or like someone, I put my heart into it and when I let someone get close into my heart, it takes a strong betrayal for me to forget about having them in my life.

Even despite the fact that my past love supposedly cheated and even took hits at me, I can't bring myself to hate him because people change and circumstances change hence it is really hard to even try to put myself to hate anyone.

I just decided to ramble today as these thoughts been swirling in my head and I needed somewhere to put them down. Maybe I'll write again soon...

The Last Time

Dear you who I once called my love,

I can't write as eloquent as Taylor Swift neither could I write a tearjerker like John Green but I guess I'm here to pen what could be possibly my last "love letter" to you. It has been about 4 years and 5 months, I guess? To the public and to the world, that was probably the last time we spoke. Little did they know about close to a year after everything had happened, we stumbled upon each's other paths and did speak although you said you did not know me.

I guess that was what hurt the most. It wasn't the fact that our relationship was abusive, it was the fact that after all that had happened, you could act like you don't know me. All I remember feeling was numb. Numb to the point that it took me awhile to react. I did not know whether to slap you and move on or just hand you back your keys and walk away. I did the latter but yet I still wish I had slapped you. If only to satisfy that stabbing feeling you left me.

We were together only for about 10 months. It wasn't very long neither was it very short. I do wish you were not the first because I regret it. I do not regret the time we spent together because I grew up from it but I do regret that I had thought you were going to be my fairy-tale ending. I ignored everyone when they tried to warn me against you but well, who was I to know that they were right.

I was in love and that was all I saw in you, love and goodness despite the fact that my anxious feelings tried to warn me from falling too hard. I didn't fall gradually, I fell hard and fast. Almost like a descending roller coaster ride that just kept going around in loops. Eventually when everything ended, it felt like a car crash because it happened so fast that we had no control over it.

All you had to do was prove that you would stay. But you couldn't cause you wouldn't. Even when you were with me, you were already looking for the next one. Even when we had commitment rings. Even when we had talked about marriage. Even when you were my first. Despite everything, I still held hope in you. I guess that was what made me stay even when you hit me and never stopped despite all of your promises.

I had the biggest faith and hope that you would change but that never came to be. At least not with me. Even after everything, I still wish you well and will not turn the other way if I saw you on the street. Although you would act like you don't know me and I have thrown out most things from back then, I kept the pictures to remind myself that out of those 10 short/long months we spent together, we did love each other at least at one point of time.

I fear that if I delete even the pictures, that would really erase the ten months that has impacted my life as a whole. Ten months is about the time that a new baby would be formed and come as a whole new life. I would consider those ten months I spent with you as being formed into a new person. I won't say that I'm completely over everything because how do you forget your first without carrying an essence of what happened over into the present.

As Miss Taylor Swift put it, I knew you were trouble but I did not care and still got tangled up in everything. The last time we ever spoke, you acted like you never knew me. Maybe you didn't because that was the new me, the stronger me, the me who would never let you walk all over me again. Like I said, this is probably the last "love letter" I will write addressing to you because it has been over four years and while my feelings will never really let go because you were my first, I think its time to say my peace and maybe someday, somehow you will acknowledge that you once knew me because when things were good, it was good.

Goodbye from someone you once called your love.

I Did Wrong

They say time heals all wounds but does it really? Every time I see something that reminds me of you, it hurts. Every time I hear a song that reminds me of you, it hurts. Every time I hear a song that is in a different language and when I look up the translation of the lyrics and it relates to our past situation, it hurts.

I honestly wish I don't feel this way. I am very happy and contented in my current relationship but I think you broke all innocence and pure trust I had in love and relationships. I gave it my all but you never did but still I kept coming back to you and until this day, I still do not understand why I did so.

Everyone said you were not worth it, even when the scars and bruises were on me, I still kept trying, I still believed even though it was clear to everyone and probably even me that it was a false hope from the start of everything.

I heard everything, I read everything, I saw everything but yet I still wanted to believe that maybe I could be the one to change you...but unfortunately that was not the case. I still don't understand why my heart still aches and hurts whenever you do come into my mind.

I am over you but I think the scar you left in my heart was deeper than the bruises and scars you left on my physical body. We had our good days but we had our really awful screaming at each other and slamming each other against walls days.

Sometimes I wish things didn't end as bad as it did but it did happen that way. We never truly said any goodbyes because I think we both knew that there will never ever be a proper closure between us despite how much I wish for it.

All I can do is wish you well despite all that happened between us and even despite the dull pain and ache you left me with whenever I do recall you.

Maybe someday I will be able to recall you without feeling this way but at this point four years on, I can safely say I am unable to do so at this point.

You will probably never read this but if you ever do, just know that I did mean those 3 words back then but everything changed on 29th May 2010.

Music & Relationships

hi everyone,

sorry for the lack of updates these past few months but i had loads of assignments,a part time job that kinda consumed my time.today i want to write about something that's been stuck in my head for quite some time but i just didn't know how to put it in words so i'll try to convey how i feel the best way possible so bear with me please.

i have been thinking about music and relationships recently.i've been driving a lot to uni and back so i keep hearing this song 'distance' by christina perri and jason mraz.the lyrics just makes me wanna cry because i was in that same situation quite a few years back but nothing was ever really resolved or rather things ended abruptly,suddenly and there was not much of a closure.

we just kind of moved on from that situation.i still see that person from time to time but everytime i bite back my lip and refrain from asking the most important question which is why.

so hearing that song just makes me keep tearing up and i choke up as i sing along to it while driving because i guess deep down i know that i will never get an answer to the question i want to ask and that things will probably never be resolved because that person cares too much about someone's feelings to even say the truth.

sometimes truth hurts but at the same time,it provides closure.Why am i talking about music relating to relationships? its because you might not be able to write down how you feel but someone else's lyrics could be related to how you are feeling or certain songs by certain artists can just trigger your memories about somebody.

I can't listen to jay chou songs without tearing up because that was a huge part of me & J's relationship which hurts even more knowing that J hates me now and considered our relationship meaningless.Pretty Girl (The Way) by sugarcult and love the way you lie part 1 and part 2 by eminem and rihanna described how bad was my relationship with the ex-domo.

i do not know if i will get closure with the person that i said the song distance reminds me of but if i ever could ask that person a question is 'why did you say you couldn't love me more when its clear that you did?'

some of you might think that i broke up with WH or something but no,we are still going strong,it's just that sometimes it's human curiosity this strange part of us who wants our questions to be answered no matter how futile it is.

no matter how much we know that the answer might hurt us or that the other party might lie to us,we desperately want a closure.being in a relationship is not easy but i think ending a relationship without any closure hurts even more and its harder because you are kept wondering what went wrong and you are left to guess for probably the rest of your life.

music just have this strong power to twist your emotions even when you don't want it to.sorry for the depressing first post after so many months but i just needed to get this out of my system.hopefully i'll write happier stuff soon :)

I Can't Sleep,I Can't Breathe,I'm Just Falling To My Knees

I realised that i have this self-destructive streak in me.I never really believe that anything can really be perfect or even feel close to that.i never had a relationship that never really had no turbulence in it.With WH,its gonna 6 months into our relationship this saturday and i'm having self-defense mechanisms trying to kick in which will not be good for our relationship since my self-defense mechanisms doesn't involve anything good at all.

I had a really weird dream last night.I dreamed that both me and WH were somehow working in the same company as a Youtube star and i worked in the same department as the Youtube star and somehow or other i ended up cheating on WH with that particular Youtube star which is so WTH! because i'm not a cheater and i strive my best not to ever be one.

WH is highly patient with me that seriously the pope should credit him as a saint already and hence i guess i know the only way to really get him mad is to flirt with other guys or cheat on him.That's why i say my self-defense mechanisms doesn't involve anything good at all.In my relationships,i've always been very self-destructive.Always holding on even when its not worth it anymore,trying to make things work when its clear it won't and trying to break things when its clear enough that it is working well enough.

I had a talk with WH about this.He said i probably have a psychological disorder that involves me just being self-destructive and wanting to kick in my self-defense mechanism in order to protect myself and my feelings but at the end of the day,i do realise that i'm not protecting anyone and instead i'm not only hurting myself but also the other party in the relationship.I'm someone who does not really believe its true when a good thing is happening to me but oddly enough i'm the person who can see when others are not having things working out for them and i can point it out to them but i can never do it for myself.

I guess what i've always said is true which is that no one ever follows their own advice but only end up following it if someone else says the same exact bloody thing to them.I'm coping with controlling my self-destructive behavior.I won't say its easy but day by day,its slightly getting better.Hopefully i will get over this behavior some day but until then,i will try my best to control it.

Sometimes i think that maybe i'm slightly more manifesting my behavior emotionally now is that i don't really believe that i deserve the way that WH treats me.He spoils me a lot,treats me really well,understands how i feel or at least try to,listens to me attentively,extremely caring and extremely patient like a saint.Sometimes i really wonder how did i get lucky and get a guy like him and maybe that is why i try to self-destruct things.Life is certainly ironic,when i had a jerk,i tried to hold onto him so badly and now i have a saint like WH yet unconsciously i'm trying to push him away.

Hopefully things will get better soon.

Some Reflections

Its been a year plus since the breakup with The Ex-Domo and about 5 months plus into my relationship with WH.I have figured out that maybe there was a reason that i went through a not so ok relationship to use a milder word to describe it.When i was with The Ex-Domo,i was immature,selfish and basically a all-rounder brat.i had fights for the sake of having fights but maybe it was both ways as well.It was never right from the start but yet i refused to see that side.i tried looking at the glass half full when it was not even one quarter full at all.

I will admit i'm stubborn.I'm very stubborn to a point whereby its my way or no way at all.i'm not someone who compromises easily although some people might say that i'm soft hearted.With The Ex-Domo,both of us are equally stubborn and equally hot-tempered as well.a lot of times,i compromised and ended up,i never felt contented or happy as i should be.a relationship should be give and take on both sides but from my observation and as well as my friends observations,it feels like i was the one giving instead of receiving as well.

After having been through such a relationship,i learn that i appreciate WH a lot more than if i never been through that relationship because i would have taken WH for granted and the relationship would just crumble.i'm still a spoilt brat in a way but i guess i mellow down a lot more now.

With WH,i won't say its all sunshine and paradise,we argue and fight as well but we both compromise.He knows when its his mistake and i know when its mine.we both apologise to each other no matter who made the mistake because that's what a relationship is,compromising on both ends to keep each other happy.i feel this content feeling and happiness with WH that i never got with The Ex-Domo or anyone else.

Maybe this is what a good relationship feels like.content and happy even with certain arguments here and there.we never argue for long.if we feel that we need a time out then we time out for a lil while but usually we would apologise almost immediately.

on another note,i have serborrheic eczema on my face so its annoying me like mad :( btw i went to David Choi's showcase last sunday with WH and it was so awesome.his voice was so good.i will do a write up about it later.for now,goodbye

Traces

And sometimes you wonder if you have left every single trace of that past.

That past which was so painful,that sometimes you can still hear it

in the back of your mind.Still feel it on your skin.Still

shudder and break out in cold sweat.

No matter how far you run or walk away from it,

the past always catches up with you.

No matter how sweet the present is,

you will still feel the past a little bit.

The scars are visible and invisible as well.

The voices come in the back of your head once in awhile.

The person you're with currently is so sweet to you

that you feel so bad that you still feel your past sometimes.

It's getting easier day by day but you do wonder

if it will ever be over.That if there will ever come a day

whereby you will never ever feel traces of that past anymore.

January 2011 Reflections

Its now 30th January 2011.On Tuesday,it will be the 2nd month into 2011.Times passes by so fast.So far in January,i've learned a few things about myself and about people.I'll probably do a monthly post about things that i've learned so far in 2011.

Things i've learned so far in January 2011

1. I can slowly but surely trust again without hesitating.
2. Rejection won't break me but i can surely learn to ignore it and move on
3. People will always talk so either give them something worthy enough to talk about or ignore them and move on because dwelling on things does not help the matter or your feelings at all
4. swings will always make me happy
5. I can smile in photographs,it just depends on who is taking the photograph
6. I'm slowly loving more colours and am leaning towards more colourful accessories and clothing
7. I'm starting to love vintage looking dresses and clothing and accessories
8. people will either sugarcoat their words or be extremely brutal so be careful and look beyond the words and between the lines
9. I've learned that it is ok to be fearful of losing someone or something important and that it is not weak to feel that way
10. Friends who really love you will be there for you if you really need them even if its 2 in the morning
11. It doesn't take much to make someone happy,just a bit of attention sometimes will actually do the trick
12. I've learned that it is ok to feel happy and love again

2010 Reflections

i know i have pending posts but today i wanna talk about 2010.I'm not gonna do a whole month by month thing since i can't exactly remember so i just wanna talk significant stuff.

I had not too bad grades considering i was in a relationship then.i think i got 4.0 CGPA twice?Then of course,there's the whole big break up drama.Lets just say i still feel it sometimes but i'm healing slowly but surely.There's also meeting new good friends like MG and keeping old friends like The Boi & The Guy & Justine & My Sis but losing friends is also nothing new for 2010.

As for love,lets just say in the middle of the year,i lost it.Towards the end of the year,i was giving up hope on it already but somehow along the way,circumstances change.I'll just put it as that.

As for studies,I've graduated from college in 2010 with a diploma.My convocation is next saturday.i'm excited.i will be doing my degree soon,i hope?it depends on some application stuff.

As for my photography,its going good and i'm improving,i guess :)

As for family,family's good and i'm glad everything is ok.

As for myself? well,all i can say is that i'm happier and things are looking up at this point in time.hopefully 2011 will be much better :)

Different

Its been exactly 7 months since everything happened.many things have happened since then.i made mistakes,i learned,i grew.i graduated from college as well.sometimes i guess giving up doesn't necessarily mean giving up as i found out that when i thought i had given up on something,God decided to show me something a little different and change my perspective a bit.

Well,for now.i'm taking things slowly and seeing how things will go but i will say this,i'm happier right now than before and i'm becoming more calm and more patient and i'm just in a different place than back then and its all for the better.

Still

sometimes i'm convinced if i try hard enough,if i run away faster,i won't feel it anymore but sadly sometimes i still do.still have chills.still have thoughts.all the stills.

Need You

Lyrics

I know its not your fault, but I’m a locked door
Anytime I’m a mess by someone before
And I wish that I, I could find a key
To unlock all the things that you want us to be
Let me open up and start again,
But there’s a safe around my heart
I don’t know how to let you in,
And that’s what keeps us apart
And that’s why I need time.
I said I need you,
I need you to understand, you, you, you
I need you to understand, you, you, you

Call up the locksmith,
Tell him we need him quick
We’ve got a million keys,?
None of them seem to fit
While your on the phone,
Call up the clocksmith,
Cuz I could use some time,
Even the slightest bit
Let me open up and start again,
And break this safe around my heart
I don’t know how to let you in,
And that’s what keeps us apart
And that’s why I need time
I said I need you
I need you to understand, you, you, you
I need you to understand, you, you, you

I’m thinking now’s the time,
Maybe its time to go, if I gave you my heart, be gentle,
I’m tired of laying low, lets give the world a show
And when you know, you know,
And when you know, you know, you know
And when you know, you know, you know, you know
And that’s why I need time

I said I need you,
I need you to understand, you, you, you (x2)
I need you to understand (x4)
I need you (x3)
I need you, you, you

Music & Lyrics

there are songs that remind me of different ppl.love the way you lie reminds me of the ex-domo.any jay chou song but particularly qing tian & jian dan ai and ke ai nu ren reminds me of the ex,J.and then there are the songs that reminds you of a particular moment.

i like to look up lyrics to songs i listen to for fun.no matter what language,i try to find translations if i could.i can't read chinese and my understanding of Mandarin or any other language except English,Malay & Cantonese is pretty low so i have to look up translations for songs from other languages.

but once i look up the lyrics and i understand what the song is about, especially if i could relate to it,i do tear up at times.some songs that induces tears are like wo bu pei,ni ting de dao & qing tian by jay chou.qing tian and ni ting de dao always chokes me.J used to sing qing tian to me all the time.ni ting de dao was partly me & the ex-domo's song.even wei yi by wang lee hom can get me in tears.that was the first ever song if i remember well that i got the ex-domo to sing for me.i was just lying on him having his arms wrapped around me.i asked him to sing for me and he asked me what i want so i said i want wei yi by wang lee hom.he's not an awesome singer but it was good enough for me.

yi lu xiang bei by jay chou is sad if you look at the lyrics.people drifting apart.the one song i listened to while i kept fighting with the ex-domo was pretty girl (the way) by sugarcult.if you look up the lyrics,you would understand why.

music and lyrics are powerful.the moment you listen to a song,you are brought back to the moment that the song reminds you of and what's most upsetting is that the moments you remember are usually the sad ones.

Life

in life,you gain friends,you lose friends.sometimes you might not even lose them but both of you just drift apart.that's just the fact of life no matter how upsetting that is.even promises are very on the edge.so tangabile,so breakable,so fragile.trust is not something that is easy for me esspecially after everything that happened so to drift apart and also kind of losing trust in promises,its difficult.

i accept that in life,there's gaining and losing.there's happiness and then there's pain.there's laughter and then there's tears.like Jay Chou sang,a secret that can't be told.my secret is that there are scars that won't be held and i never want to disclose them publicly.its still painful and will always have a slight pain.

drifting apart.its a fact of life that these cases do happen and there's nothing that anybody can do but give things time as forcing things will just make things worse.in time,everyhing will be better.

The Only Exception

these few days after watching Rachel Berry singing Paramore's "The Only Exception" on Glee and dedicating it to Finn saying he's her only exception,i've been listening to the song a lot.it has gotten to a point whereby i have been doing a lot of reflecting.i find it sad to say that i've not found the only exception.not with my ex-domo or even J or Steven.i think those were the ones i fell for and was in love with the most but unfortunately they were not the only exception.

In some ways,i think no matter which guy got to my heart even for a brief moment,i tend to build up a shield.a forcefield if you may say so and yet it feels slightly comfortable and also at the same time uncomfortable.sometimes i envy people who can so easily find their only exception and sometimes i feel sad for those people who along with me who have to keep falling and hurting and not knowing if we would ever find the only exception for us.

To be honest,i really thought my ex-domo was the only exception for me but when i reflect back upon everything,maybe i thought so because i wanted him to be my only exception so badly and yet when everything fell apart,i did hurt but it was more of a regret hurt than a bittersweet hurt because i do regret so many things that happened in that relationship.the tears,the fights,the shouting,the screaming and at end of it all,the silence on the other line.

If he was really the only exception for me,i guess the hurt would be slightly more bittersweet than regret.i do not regret falling in love with him or the relationship because i did learn and grow from it but i do regret what happened and how it ended.i guess every relationship has its’ lessons.

Some days i really do fear that i can’t find the only exception for me and that i would always feel slightly afraid to just take a risk and love because even though i learned from every relationship i’ve been through,i realised that i build up a stronger force shield after every break up just to protect myself and in the words of Gio to Betty in Ugly Betty,”you’re living in Betty Suarez land”.Gio said that because although Betty thought she broke up with Gio for his own good so that she could get to know herself and take more risks and also to protect herself from hurt,she ended up hurting him and also herself instead.

in a sense,maybe i’m living in my land or world and maybe i do forget that people have feelings and i hurt people just to protect myself from being hurt but i end up being the one to hurt me and i regret it.i guess i regret a lot of things which i do not wish to disclose publicly.its too personal in a way.in a strange reflective sense,maybe its ok that my only exception will take it's time to appear to me.maybe things would just be slightly alright if i keep pushing on and trying because the world keeps spinning and sometimes there’s just nothing you can do about the things that can’t be changed.to those who are searching for their only exception,good luck and never fear to love.

Love Is Forever?

As the day is ending,i realised something.Its been 3 months.3 months since the break up and 3 months since i had to start answering people's questions or just shut up because honestly i don't want to discuss it anymore.there are people who asked does it still affect me,do i still have scars from it?

I guess i will always have a bit of scars which will never fade but i'm stronger because of it and unfortunately also more reluctant to believe in love.I'm not being a pessimist but i realize that when i used to advice The Boi about his relationship problems,i used to ask him to look at the bright side but now i prepare him for hurts as well.What a lousy friend i am in a sense right?

Now i'm listening to Neutron Star Collision (love is forever) by muse and i really do wish love is forever but i know it can't be.Love...its simple yet complicated,it gives the most joy in the world and yet it gives the most hurt in the world as well.Somehow i find myself relating to characters in Japanese tv dramas or animes lately.I relate to Yamada in Honey & Clover in the sense that she can't give up on Mayama and end up could be missing out on someone better like Nomiya and i also relate to Hagu-chan in Honey & Clover in the sense that she couldn't confess her love to Morita at first because she is scared.I also relate to Yukari from Paradise Kiss in the sense that i loved the turbulence in the relationship like she did with George because i knew how much i loved him but i know at the end of the day,i will choose someone i need like she did when she chose Hiroyuki instead of George because i know i won't be able to take so much turbulence anymore no matter how much i love the person and lastly i relate to Makino from Hana Yori Dango because even though Rui (the better guy) was there for her,at the end of the day,she still chose Domyoji even though things were so difficult for them to be together.

Maybe that's why i tear up when i watch those shows and anime because i can't help but relate to them so much that it hurts.Its like watching myself doing those 'mistakes' or things or however you call it again and again although in a different situation.For me,why do we love when it hurts so much?To be honest,i do not have an answer but i believe that we need love to survive somehow someway.

Love The Way You Lie

I downloaded this song by Eminem featuring Rihanna without knowing exactly what the song is about.When i first listened to it,i thought "cool,it has nice beats,Rihanna sounds good and really good rapping by Eminem" and then i googled the lyrics.Trust me,i shuddered when i read the lyrics because its about abusive relationships.

I've been in that situation just a couple of months before.I do not want to disclose what happened exactly but now i feel that i should have gotten out of that situation sooner.I guess love sometimes really makes someone blind.The music video was released on Thursday night.I watched it yesterday and i was actually shivering because some of the things in the video has actually happened to me before.

Its painful.Its not the physical pain that i have to live with,its more on emotional and mental.Day by day,these thoughts run through my mind such as "did he really love me?was it just a difficult relationship?if i had stayed,would things have gotten better?" This is a difficult topic for me to blog on as i really believe that is really personal and its the first time i'm publicly acknowledging this.

I used to have all sorts of questions when i hear of people being in a abusive relationship and still staying in it like why don't they just leave?Now having been in one myself,i totally understand their reasons.When you love someone so much,you would like to believe that eventually things will work out and that if you just stay and try to work it out,it will.

To be honest,this song is talking about Eminem & his ex-wife Kim's volatile relationship.I used to wonder why they kept breaking up and getting back together but i totally understand now.Not that i would go back to that situation ever again and now i know of signs to watch out for but i understand when you love someone so badly,you just want everything to work out.

I keep looping this song because its an emotional release for me but i can't watch the music video too much as its too disturbing for me because it feels too real for me.Guys,when a girl really loves you,even if she's a bitch normally,she would swallow her pride down and keep it quiet just to make things work.Treat girls better.Girls,stand up for yourself no matter how much you love someone because it takes two parties to make a relationship work.

lyrics for the song

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down

Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

P/s please do not post comments trashing anybody as it will not be approved.This is just my take on what i have been through.Thanks.