Lonely

Writing this down while listening to Nomtom's rendition of Lonely based on his experiences. I relate to it so well, perhaps why I feel like crying every time I listen to it. I smile on the outside, I listen to others telling me their problem, I give advice to them and yet on the inside, I feel dead. Every other day, I look at my scars across my wrists and wonder when will I give in again. It has been 6 years, 6 years since the last time I took a knife across my wrist but yet every time my heart feels all choked up, I am so tempted to grab any sharp object just to inflict pain.

Maybe if it hurt on the outside then it won't hurt so bad on the inside. Although from past experiences, I know that it is not the case. I know this blog is public, I know that people I know may come across this post and think I'm crazy. I sometimes wish I really was then maybe there would be a proper explanation for the way I feel but I know the way I feel is actually an illness. People are usually surprised when I disclose that I do have depression because they look at me as their sunshine, their bubbly person and I do not fit into the depression stereotype but I believe what I have is high functioning depression.

Somehow everything I read about that condition totally fits me. Why I don't go to a doctor? I live in an Asian country, the minute you come clean about experiencing mental illness, everyone looks at you as though you are gonna go crazy and kill them although honestly the only person I'm killing is myself. I have learned to recognize when I'm triggered and I try my best to control but it is really really hard.

I can't honestly say that it gets better because it doesn't, I only learned to control it. I stopped self medication, drinking all of the alcohol just so that I could sleep, cutting but I'm dead on the inside. I suppress how I feel on the inside just so that it doesn't show on the outside but every day it gets a little harder. Some days, I'm so afraid that today will be day that I give up. Sure, there are people I talk to who try to understand and who claims they go through depression too but you can tell that their experience is so different from what I'm facing.

Nomtom's lyrics describes how I feel so well and that is how I'm gonna end this post.

lonely, why does everything I do, end up feeling lonely
am I doing something wrong? Am I turning slowly
into someone I fear , its drawing so near
so guess I have to face the truth and know that I am 
lonely, why does everything I do, ends up leaving slowly?

Moment

I keep reminiscing and coming back here. Mainly because this blog does not contain those moments.
Those moments that I wrote down while crying and had my tears stained the pages.
Those moments which I smiled so much as I wrote things down not wanting to forget how those moments made me felt but who knew that 9 years onward, it is those very moments that I would want to forget and erase.
Those moments which we could just look at each other and knew what the other person was thinking.
Those moments in which silence was comfortable and I felt like I could take on the world as long as I had you by my side.
Those moments that I truly felt loved without having to change myself at all.
Those moments when you took my wrist in your hands and promised me that I would never scar myself again because you would take care of me and not hurt me.
That moment when I realized that everything was just a band-aid and you never meant to heal me because you couldn't heal yourself first.
That moment when I realized that both of us were trying so hard to hang onto something which was never meant to be ours in the first place.
That moment when I realized you did love me back but it is now too late to go back and change everything.
That moment when I realized that even if we could go back, the outcome would have been the same one way or another.
That moment when I realized I will always love you somehow, someway.
That moment when I realized and regret that you will have always have a piece of my heart somehow but your's will never be mine.
That moment which is now that I realize that I should let everything go because if it was meant to be, things would have changed 6 years ago but it never did so this is our fate, to have love and loved but always reminiscing one way or another.