Us

Since me & WH's 6th month anniversary was last saturday,i got Jason to take some pics of us while we were at the beach.Here are some of them and i absolutely love them :)

Casual Beach Shoot

I went to the beach last sunday with WH & his friends.i had quite a good day and decided to get WH & his friend Jason to take pics of me.These pics are unedited except for auto-correct of the colours,i did not wear any makeup and it was just taken with a simple dslr with a standard 18-55mm lens with amateur photographers,i must say i'm so in love with the pics!!! The wind and the natural sunlight helped a lot with the pictures :)

These are just some of my fav pics.rest of the pictures can be found here

I Can't Sleep,I Can't Breathe,I'm Just Falling To My Knees

I realised that i have this self-destructive streak in me.I never really believe that anything can really be perfect or even feel close to that.i never had a relationship that never really had no turbulence in it.With WH,its gonna 6 months into our relationship this saturday and i'm having self-defense mechanisms trying to kick in which will not be good for our relationship since my self-defense mechanisms doesn't involve anything good at all.

I had a really weird dream last night.I dreamed that both me and WH were somehow working in the same company as a Youtube star and i worked in the same department as the Youtube star and somehow or other i ended up cheating on WH with that particular Youtube star which is so WTH! because i'm not a cheater and i strive my best not to ever be one.

WH is highly patient with me that seriously the pope should credit him as a saint already and hence i guess i know the only way to really get him mad is to flirt with other guys or cheat on him.That's why i say my self-defense mechanisms doesn't involve anything good at all.In my relationships,i've always been very self-destructive.Always holding on even when its not worth it anymore,trying to make things work when its clear it won't and trying to break things when its clear enough that it is working well enough.

I had a talk with WH about this.He said i probably have a psychological disorder that involves me just being self-destructive and wanting to kick in my self-defense mechanism in order to protect myself and my feelings but at the end of the day,i do realise that i'm not protecting anyone and instead i'm not only hurting myself but also the other party in the relationship.I'm someone who does not really believe its true when a good thing is happening to me but oddly enough i'm the person who can see when others are not having things working out for them and i can point it out to them but i can never do it for myself.

I guess what i've always said is true which is that no one ever follows their own advice but only end up following it if someone else says the same exact bloody thing to them.I'm coping with controlling my self-destructive behavior.I won't say its easy but day by day,its slightly getting better.Hopefully i will get over this behavior some day but until then,i will try my best to control it.

Sometimes i think that maybe i'm slightly more manifesting my behavior emotionally now is that i don't really believe that i deserve the way that WH treats me.He spoils me a lot,treats me really well,understands how i feel or at least try to,listens to me attentively,extremely caring and extremely patient like a saint.Sometimes i really wonder how did i get lucky and get a guy like him and maybe that is why i try to self-destruct things.Life is certainly ironic,when i had a jerk,i tried to hold onto him so badly and now i have a saint like WH yet unconsciously i'm trying to push him away.

Hopefully things will get better soon.