Disclaimer:This is related to me being jobless again so if you are sick of reading about me saying things about being jobless then please wait for the next post,i won't promise it will be more interesting but i think it will be more enjoyable and funnier than reading about me being jobless...
So yeah,i met up with KZ over the weekend and let's just say,even at 25 turning 26,this guy has the ability to make little 22 turning 23 me (our birthdays are like less than a week apart) feel like i'm 13 all over again and he is the same 16 year old guy advising (although i must say it feels like he is sort of scolding me) me.
The dream job that i wanted? It went the way of the Titanic,hit the iceberg and has sunk into the bottom so in other words,i got rejected yet again. I realised that i have been using a lot of Titanic analogy in my conversations these days but then again,i guess it's another way to say that it is a finale in a most tragic sense.
I had a conversation with KZ earlier and i have actually been wondering if i went and did the wrong degree or my choice of wanting to be a journalist or writer is all wrong.He told me that he can't say for sure since he knows nothing about journalism or writing however he did ask me to give other stuff a try and he was like "well,just try for six months if you do get it and if after six months,you really don't like it and you are crying everyday in your car on your way home then start from scratch again but at least you did give it a try".
One more thing that he said that really made me feel like i was 13 again was that he told me to stop all of the drama and basically fake myself if i have to.Well,i got to say that what he said is true,i have this drama streak with me and sometimes (if not most of the time) i just brutally say what i want to say without necessarily taking people's feelings into consideration at all and yes,that is very high school of me.
His exact words were "stop all of the drama (insert the name he calls me here) and just kind of grow up,you are not in high school anymore.problems are things you tell close friends,your co-workers do not care.So if you have to fake it and have self deprecating humor then do so and maybe they will be more accepting".
So yeah...his advice does sting but it is true,people have come to a point that they are selfish and all they care is about themselves.Why would they care if i had a car breakdown or a fight with my bf or anything else at all? So maybe undervaluing myself and just act like i'm happy go lucky all the time and be extremely sociable might just work...
I love to think that being honest to a person is for their own good but i guess it's not very true after all...I'm still a bit mixed up on whether to give up in finding a job in writing and move on to other stuff like PR and advertising or just take a break.
Some of you might argue that i have been on a break for a long time however i have actually been actively looking for a job since December 2012 so yeah,i have not actually not mail out resumes for quite some time now.Hence i'm unsure if i should stop at the moment cause i feel neither here nor there but I know that there is something out there that is right for me however right now,i just can't see it and it seems quite bleak...
Although having conversations with KZ makes me feel like i'm 13 all over again,there is nothing i won't give to be that age again,at least just for a moment.Right now,i feel totally in between.I'm no longer in high school or college or even university but neither do i feel like an adult.I may be turning 23 but i still have that rebellious streak in me and in the words of Coldplay, "nobody said it was easy,nobody said it was gonna be this hard".
"I'll check in tomorrow if i don't wake up dead"- Alone Together by Fall Out Boy
Showing posts with label Jobless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jobless. Show all posts
Monday, April 15, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Being Jobless Part 2
i actually wanted to blog about something else today but i guess that will be for another post.Yes, i'm still jobless and yes,i'm silly to cry while blogging this but kind of upset after a phone call.
I had an interview couple of weeks ago and it is practically my dream job and what i really want and would love to do however i've had no replies at all.Called them last week and they said they have not made a decision yet and would hopefully get back to me by this week.
Me being the usual stubborn impatient me actually called them up today and asked...well,a decision has been made but the higher ups have not gotten back to them and let's just say the very kind lady did ask me if possible to move on with my plans and also look for other stuff and hopefully she should get back to me by next monday on whether it's a yes or no.
Indirectly i feel rejected again but this is even harder to swallow as i know that based on the job scope,this is one job that i would really love and stay in and what makes it worse is that i have always loved this company ever since i was little.
Maybe it's pms but its getting harder and harder to hold back the tears and swallow everything up and smile as though nothing happened.
Trust me,i know that a lot of people would call me stubborn and stupid for walking away from that probation that could have been a job at the end of the day but it's not that i don't want a job.Trust me,i'm probably the most job hungry person i know of right now but if possible,i do not wish to sacrifice my happiness and principles just to have a job.
I've tried applying for so many different types of jobs however the dart just never hit a bullseye...the one job application that i thought might just narrowly hit it seems so far out of my reach now.
Truth be told,i have had two people who were significant during my junior high and high school years appearing a lot in my dreams lately.Maybe it's just my fears manifesting itself in my dreams because these two people were the people i turned to when i faced rejection and other problems i had those years.
And ironically,these are same two people who i have not even spoken to on the phone for like maybe 2 years now...It almost feels like a sign that i need to hang onto something like i did those years or else i will drift away however sometimes i don't even know who to turn to anymore.WH have been trying really hard to understand me but the more he tries,the more i feel that he pities me and honestly,i don't really want that right now because our situations are so different that i do not feel that he understands what i'm going through but i do appreciate him trying...
I know that God has a plan for me but right now,everything feels so misted that i cannot see clearly where am i heading...and i feel completely far away from where i'm supposed to be.I really want some good news regarding a job however since December (yes,i've started applying for jobs when it became clear that my internship company has no space for me),it has been bad news one after another.Sometimes,it's a good day and i do get calls or emails to go in for interviews but nothing comes out of it after that or sometimes it's really bad that i have gotten four rejections in like a stretch of three days in a row.
Yes i know very well that this post sounds like a self pity post and i do agree with it but try to keep getting rejected and see if your self esteem does not feel ouch a bit...sometimes you try so hard and yet when it's not meant to be,it's just not meant to be.
With my anger and emo issues,i keep pushing people away and being in my little cocoon,i feel like i'm creating a force shield that says "stop rejecting me and hurting me anymore,i can't take it anymore". Yet,at the same time,i'm pushing away the people who love me and i'm sorry for that but i just really wish that this job searching would be over once and for all because i do not feel like myself anymore and my self esteem keeps crumbling day by day with the lack of emails and phone calls or even smses that i feel pissed at my network service provider for sending me spam smses and providing me hope whenever i hear my ringtone only to see a spam.
With all that being said,i do really hope that there won't be a "being jobless part 3" installment but you will never know...
I had an interview couple of weeks ago and it is practically my dream job and what i really want and would love to do however i've had no replies at all.Called them last week and they said they have not made a decision yet and would hopefully get back to me by this week.
Me being the usual stubborn impatient me actually called them up today and asked...well,a decision has been made but the higher ups have not gotten back to them and let's just say the very kind lady did ask me if possible to move on with my plans and also look for other stuff and hopefully she should get back to me by next monday on whether it's a yes or no.
Indirectly i feel rejected again but this is even harder to swallow as i know that based on the job scope,this is one job that i would really love and stay in and what makes it worse is that i have always loved this company ever since i was little.
Maybe it's pms but its getting harder and harder to hold back the tears and swallow everything up and smile as though nothing happened.
Trust me,i know that a lot of people would call me stubborn and stupid for walking away from that probation that could have been a job at the end of the day but it's not that i don't want a job.Trust me,i'm probably the most job hungry person i know of right now but if possible,i do not wish to sacrifice my happiness and principles just to have a job.
I've tried applying for so many different types of jobs however the dart just never hit a bullseye...the one job application that i thought might just narrowly hit it seems so far out of my reach now.
Truth be told,i have had two people who were significant during my junior high and high school years appearing a lot in my dreams lately.Maybe it's just my fears manifesting itself in my dreams because these two people were the people i turned to when i faced rejection and other problems i had those years.
And ironically,these are same two people who i have not even spoken to on the phone for like maybe 2 years now...It almost feels like a sign that i need to hang onto something like i did those years or else i will drift away however sometimes i don't even know who to turn to anymore.WH have been trying really hard to understand me but the more he tries,the more i feel that he pities me and honestly,i don't really want that right now because our situations are so different that i do not feel that he understands what i'm going through but i do appreciate him trying...
I know that God has a plan for me but right now,everything feels so misted that i cannot see clearly where am i heading...and i feel completely far away from where i'm supposed to be.I really want some good news regarding a job however since December (yes,i've started applying for jobs when it became clear that my internship company has no space for me),it has been bad news one after another.Sometimes,it's a good day and i do get calls or emails to go in for interviews but nothing comes out of it after that or sometimes it's really bad that i have gotten four rejections in like a stretch of three days in a row.
Yes i know very well that this post sounds like a self pity post and i do agree with it but try to keep getting rejected and see if your self esteem does not feel ouch a bit...sometimes you try so hard and yet when it's not meant to be,it's just not meant to be.
With my anger and emo issues,i keep pushing people away and being in my little cocoon,i feel like i'm creating a force shield that says "stop rejecting me and hurting me anymore,i can't take it anymore". Yet,at the same time,i'm pushing away the people who love me and i'm sorry for that but i just really wish that this job searching would be over once and for all because i do not feel like myself anymore and my self esteem keeps crumbling day by day with the lack of emails and phone calls or even smses that i feel pissed at my network service provider for sending me spam smses and providing me hope whenever i hear my ringtone only to see a spam.
With all that being said,i do really hope that there won't be a "being jobless part 3" installment but you will never know...
Monday, April 8, 2013
Being Jobless/Just Doing It
To be honest, i don't really know how to write this post.too many thoughts jumbled up and not sure how to say it out but here goes,honest feelings,no holds barred.
I have been jobless since January 11 which was the last day of my internship.Honestly,i never thought it would be this hard to look for a job.I mean,come on,i did journalism which is media and media is still pretty much alive...however i did not foresee that most newspapers and magazines would only want experienced people which is actually a vicious cycle cause if they don't give fresh grads like me a chance then how are we supposed to get experience? And we would just move on to any company that would take us in,get some experience and jump out again when we have the required number of years of experience to join back the company that we had intended to join in the first place! See how that works?
I have been on quite a number of interviews and sometimes i get rejected on the spot,sometimes i never hear back and it's quite bad for my self esteem as i know quite a number of people who already secured jobs even during their internship and here i am quite close to three months after my internship and still nothing...my goal is to hopefully get a job before my 23rd birthday but right now,if i could just get a job that i would love and feel okay in,i would be happy too.
Last week,i went in to a local tv station for a one week probation on one of their tv programs however i left on my second day.I was really really unhappy there,it wasn't anything the crew did.They were the nicest most helpful people i have ever met in my course of looking for a job however something in my gut just told me that it wasn't my place there.I actually cried and prayed all the way driving home on my first day.
I asked God to give me a sign cause i was really feeling deeply unhappy and that it wasn't my place.I just knew in my gut that i can continue and i can do the work there however it wasn't what i wanted and my heart was just not in it.I did not want to continue doing something that i knew that i would be forcing myself to do each and every day.
I actually had a discussion with my daddy whether it would be possible for me to leave and he advised me to stay on and finish it then see how things goes.But i kept praying and let's just say i had a pretty obvious sign with a very real dream...Hence the next day,i discussed with the higher ups and told them that i would stay on and finish my probation but i won't stay beyond that.
Needless to say,i was told that i wouldn't need to come back anymore after that day so yeah,i'm back to square one and to be honest,it's not a very good feeling but i do not want to force myself to stay on if i knew that i would not give my all to it.
I love writing,it has always been my passion.My schoolmates who sat next to me would be able to tell you that i used to write stories and fan fiction in class instead of paying attention (do not ask me for any of it as i destroyed them couple of years back because i felt it was real amateur childish writing) hence probably why i had better results in English than anything else.
I know a lot of people would call me stubborn for trying to find a job that i would stay in and love in the current economy situation however i believe in the principle that if you do something you love,it will never feel like a job.I love writing,it never feels like a job to me,words just flow somehow but i feel blocked.
I feel like there's this huge stone in front of me and that if i could just get pass it then i could get to a job that i would love and want to stay in but it does seem hard. To be honest,i'm not even being fussy about salary or even learning new things.For me,i know i'm a fresh grad so i don't expect much in salary as i have no experience.If it's enough to pay for food,petrol,toll and other expenditures then it's ok for me.I'm ok with learning new things as i take everything as a experience.
WH does not really understand how i feel.Sure he tries a lot but my experience and his is so much different.He was already offered a job even before he finished his internship as his internship boss really liked him and was willing to wait for him to graduate to hire him so he kind of did not need to look for a job.
I have actually lost count how many emails i sent out and how many times i check my email or wait by my phone for a call or even a sms and nothing comes so yeah,it does hurt my self esteem a bit...I started this out wanting to blog about how being jobless feels like but i think i'm more of ranting about how people don't seem to want to hire me and yeah,i myself am like hurting my self esteem now.haha.
In the esteemed words of Cheeming Boey, "the difference between a dream and reality is just doing it so if you want to get something done,just do it".
So Boey,I am following your advice and just doing it...a lot of people will call me stupid,silly,stubborn and all sorts of things behind my back,however i will keep doing it and keep shooting for the skies and hoping to land on a star someday and follow my dream of being a journalist/writer.
Keep dreaming and keep doing it and maybe someday somehow,everything will just work out.
I have been jobless since January 11 which was the last day of my internship.Honestly,i never thought it would be this hard to look for a job.I mean,come on,i did journalism which is media and media is still pretty much alive...however i did not foresee that most newspapers and magazines would only want experienced people which is actually a vicious cycle cause if they don't give fresh grads like me a chance then how are we supposed to get experience? And we would just move on to any company that would take us in,get some experience and jump out again when we have the required number of years of experience to join back the company that we had intended to join in the first place! See how that works?
I have been on quite a number of interviews and sometimes i get rejected on the spot,sometimes i never hear back and it's quite bad for my self esteem as i know quite a number of people who already secured jobs even during their internship and here i am quite close to three months after my internship and still nothing...my goal is to hopefully get a job before my 23rd birthday but right now,if i could just get a job that i would love and feel okay in,i would be happy too.
Last week,i went in to a local tv station for a one week probation on one of their tv programs however i left on my second day.I was really really unhappy there,it wasn't anything the crew did.They were the nicest most helpful people i have ever met in my course of looking for a job however something in my gut just told me that it wasn't my place there.I actually cried and prayed all the way driving home on my first day.
I asked God to give me a sign cause i was really feeling deeply unhappy and that it wasn't my place.I just knew in my gut that i can continue and i can do the work there however it wasn't what i wanted and my heart was just not in it.I did not want to continue doing something that i knew that i would be forcing myself to do each and every day.
I actually had a discussion with my daddy whether it would be possible for me to leave and he advised me to stay on and finish it then see how things goes.But i kept praying and let's just say i had a pretty obvious sign with a very real dream...Hence the next day,i discussed with the higher ups and told them that i would stay on and finish my probation but i won't stay beyond that.
Needless to say,i was told that i wouldn't need to come back anymore after that day so yeah,i'm back to square one and to be honest,it's not a very good feeling but i do not want to force myself to stay on if i knew that i would not give my all to it.
I love writing,it has always been my passion.My schoolmates who sat next to me would be able to tell you that i used to write stories and fan fiction in class instead of paying attention (do not ask me for any of it as i destroyed them couple of years back because i felt it was real amateur childish writing) hence probably why i had better results in English than anything else.
I know a lot of people would call me stubborn for trying to find a job that i would stay in and love in the current economy situation however i believe in the principle that if you do something you love,it will never feel like a job.I love writing,it never feels like a job to me,words just flow somehow but i feel blocked.
I feel like there's this huge stone in front of me and that if i could just get pass it then i could get to a job that i would love and want to stay in but it does seem hard. To be honest,i'm not even being fussy about salary or even learning new things.For me,i know i'm a fresh grad so i don't expect much in salary as i have no experience.If it's enough to pay for food,petrol,toll and other expenditures then it's ok for me.I'm ok with learning new things as i take everything as a experience.
WH does not really understand how i feel.Sure he tries a lot but my experience and his is so much different.He was already offered a job even before he finished his internship as his internship boss really liked him and was willing to wait for him to graduate to hire him so he kind of did not need to look for a job.
I have actually lost count how many emails i sent out and how many times i check my email or wait by my phone for a call or even a sms and nothing comes so yeah,it does hurt my self esteem a bit...I started this out wanting to blog about how being jobless feels like but i think i'm more of ranting about how people don't seem to want to hire me and yeah,i myself am like hurting my self esteem now.haha.
In the esteemed words of Cheeming Boey, "the difference between a dream and reality is just doing it so if you want to get something done,just do it".
So Boey,I am following your advice and just doing it...a lot of people will call me stupid,silly,stubborn and all sorts of things behind my back,however i will keep doing it and keep shooting for the skies and hoping to land on a star someday and follow my dream of being a journalist/writer.
Keep dreaming and keep doing it and maybe someday somehow,everything will just work out.
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