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Occasionally I get extremely lucky and end up with a really good shot.

Thank you to my friend, Jason of Zephyrus Photography for this lovely shot of me.

My blog has been a little dead lately but am more active on YouTube and other social media platforms these days.

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Breathe

I'm a little bit tired...tired of trying to show that I'm ok and I'm alright when all I want to do is collapse and cry like everything is over.

Some days I do wonder if I start the cuts again, will I ever feel better? Will I ever feel like at least I'm showing it through physical pain even though I can't release it mentally?

Alcohol numbs the thoughts, sleep forces my thoughts to take a break but when I'm awake, my thoughts keep racing through my mind and it doesn't help. As much as I love you, there's a piece of me that hates you at the same time.

That piece of me that feels like maybe if you weren't there, I can let go and just disappear, disappear away like I never existed and maybe then I can finally breathe.

Yellow Brick Road

I've never been one to follow down the path of the yellow brick road. I tend to chart my own path however over the past few years, I feel like I need to keep changing to follow someone else's path and this hurts a lot. I feel suffocated and choked up. Occasionally I pause to stop and think but at the same time, I wish I can go back to being the carefree me. The me that no one cares about but at the same time, it is too late to go back to that path.

White Flag

I give up. I really do. No matter how much you try and try, it will never be reflected in someone else's eyes. Perception is really everything. Although there's a saying that if you assume then you are making an ass out of yourself and the person but assumption is always everything.

I am just about ready to throw the white flag for everything. When your feelings feel as messed up as this, sometimes there's just nothing to do but give up and wallow in a hole for a little bit. No one loves you as much as you want and no one will appreciate you until you are gone. As much as you want to avoid being hurt, there's no way to avoid it but to keep yourself buried and hidden out of sight.

Hate and love, they are both the same, just on opposite flip sides of the coin. But yet, the bitterness of both feels exactly the same.

Died and Went To Heaven

I kind of died and went to heaven yesterday. 

After 3 years, I not only finally got a hug with Wesley Chan of Wong Fu Productions but also a selfie with him!!! 

Lies

Maybe I never really gave up, maybe I just bottled everything up hoping that one day, everything will spill out and things will get a closure but it never did. None of us said the words that needed to be said. You say it's the past and that I should just forget about it but how can I when I do not know the truth?

What is the truth? I can't answer that myself. Did you ever love me or was everything just a game to you? Was it fun kissing someone who you love as your sister? Was it fun to break my heart? It's been 8 years, 8 fucking years and yet everytime I picture that moment, it still hurts. We never did address what happened.

Maybe we never will or maybe things should just end this way. Who knows? You have your life and I have mine but the minute I think about the past, it still hurts. Why? I can't even answer that myself and the worst part is knowing that you will never know how I feel.


Lies-Big Bang

Yeah, love is pain
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours
Lie…

A late night and rain falling down.
I bring you back from my memories.
I promised myself I would be fine without you,
but I can’t help it.
I take in liquor which I don’t even know
how to handle trying to fill my empty heart.
A day without you is too long.
I pray that I may please forget you (that’s a lie).

Without you happiness cannot be found in me.
I can’t even shed any tears.
I don’t want to live anymore.

Yeah, this is bullshit, it’s pissing me off.
I’m going crazy in thoughts of you.
I want to see you, but I’m being told that I can’t,
that it’s all over (I’ll be right there).

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt

I dedicated my all into this song
And sung for you
(other people probably don’t know.)
By myself, without anyone knowing.
(yeah, those words I said were lies).

I’ve been left all alone
Keep roaming within the loneliness
The note for break up
Crumpled in my pocket, hey,
(“Where are you” the habit of calling you)
I’m gonna change,
I’ll laugh everything off from now on.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt

Oh oh oh oh oh,
I hope this is all a dream.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
because I only add up to this much.

Drop that babe,

I still can’t forget you.
No I don’t think I ever will,
even ’til the day I die, yeah.
Did the scars I gave you heal?
I’m sorry because I never got to do anything for you.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt

♥

Yeah, love is pain
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours

Late Night Thoughts

I banish the thoughts of you that creep into my mind with songs in my head and a good measure of a song that reminds me of the way that I felt. Everything was like fireworks, it sparkled and as soon as the beauty of it faded, it burn out and fizzled just like how the relationship went.

Everything felt amazing and great in that moment, It wasn't until I realised how I left a piece of myself behind that it felt broken. "If you walk out that door, everything will change. Don't ever think you can come back", that was the line said to me but do you know what I still remember hearing? The sound of my back slamming against the door as you pushed me against it, the sound your hand made gripping my arm so hard to prevent me from leaving. The grip that left me with such beautiful bruises.

But then again, scars and bruises fade but yet the ache in my heart doesn't. I will forever be left traumatised and scared of fully immersing myself in love. I love but cautiously and always with one part of me out of it. I tend to want to run when fights occur only because I am so scared of what happened in the past will happen again.

I should have never given myself up to you but then again, I was naively in love and sometimes, love makes everyone do foolish things that they would never do if they were thinking logically or had a chance to step back and think wisely. But if love was wise then no one would ever be impulsive. Love feels like you drank a little too much and as you are sobering up, you drink up again which becomes a never ending cycle.

You might never read this and even if you do, I hope you will not flatter yourself by thinking I'm still not over you. I'm over you, I'm just hurting from what you put me through which has left me with thoughts that should be banished from my head.

Linger

In almost an instant you can forget about the past if only you could let it go. But how could you let go the very thing that makes you who you are today? The very thing that allows you to step backwards instead of leaning forward and falling totally immersed into it?

Letting it go, that seems very easy. You packed up everything, you threw everything out. You took that one last photo but how can you rip out that memory in your heart? How can you forget how much those bruises hurt? How can you forget how much it hurt for you to receive that first ever slap on your cheek? How can you forget the sound that the door made when your back slammed against it when you were thrown against it?

You can't even remember the good days anymore, all you know is the scars and bruises that were left on you have faded but the feelings that were left in your heart still remain there. You can still hear the screams and shouts some days in your head.  You can still hear the I love yous and that I won't do it again if you don't anger me again.

You smirk at yourself thinking how you should have left but you didn't. Even if you had left earlier, would it have made a difference? You gave up that one thing that truly belonged to you even though it was not deserved by that person. In hindsight, maybe you only hung on for so long because you wanted or rather needed someone to save you.

When no one saved you, it took an accident to wake you up. When no one came to your rescue despite the obvious signs, it took a wreckage to help you out of everything. You rescued yourself out of it but are you ever really cured from it? Who even knows? Do you still love the same way? You don't even know yourself. Do you still have those lingering feelings? Maybe yes, maybe no but the only person who can answer is yourself and yet you wake up another day trying to put it behind you and yet it will never really go away.