LP

Perhaps this feeling will never go away, perhaps I will always feel this way. This sense of being lost, lonely, afraid and feeling fake. To the world, I seem happy, strong and have everything I could ever want but when it comes down to what I really feel on the inside, I feel fake and tired.

I try to give everything to all I do but I end up feeling so drained, tired and burnt out. I never feel good enough on anything and why should I? I have always been that girl who is never pretty, never really smart, never really anything. I feel like I always keep up a facade and it gets very tiring. How can I advise others to hang on when I myself find it hard? How can I act like nothing affects me when I myself am faking it to the world.

I admire those who can bravely come out and say what they feel because the moment I do that, I just get a lot of disbelief and judgement. Yeah, how can someone who seems so bubbly and happy feel like she want to die almost everyday right? But that is exactly how I feel. Seeing what happened with Chester Bennington scared me, what if I finally lose my grip one day? What if I can no longer silence those voices in my head? What if one day this sinking feeling really sinks me down?

It's been almost two years since I almost attempted suicide, yup I said it. I almost attempted suicide in November 2015, it was so bad that I can't even remember the date but only the month. I can't even remember what triggered me but all I know is that I felt like I couldn't hang on anymore. Everything seemed like it was collapsing for me, I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt like perhaps ending everything will be my only solution. The thing that stopped me was ironically a Linkin Park song. It was Waiting for the End. I don't know why but somehow that song just triggered me to not go on with my attempt. I lived, cried many many many tears on the drive home. Yup, I actually almost went over a flyover in my attempt. This is my first time ever actually really writing about it and somehow writing about it makes me wonder why. Why is it that I still feel this way two years later? Don't worry, I'm not going to go and drive over some flyover or something. This is not my swan song letter.

I just wish that there's a way to stop these feelings because it is so draining and tiring...

開不了口

I don't know why it took me so long to learn this but a lot of times, the people that you are or were most compatible with will never end up being your end person most of the time. Sometimes it is because you are too compatible that things will just end badly if you ever get together with them or perhaps you never got together with them but you realise it much later.

I knew KZ since I was 9 and he was 12 though we had drifted apart since we were of different schools after that but when I was finally in the same secondary school as him when I was 13 and he was 16 & met back with him, we just clicked or rather he tolerated my little schoolgirl crush. We could and still talk for hours, we can just keep going even if we have not spoken in awhile. Out of all of my crushes and past relationships, he was the one who rejected me the gentlest and trust me, I even had one guy who made sure I was watching him rip apart my valentine's letter and threw it into the trash can in front of me when I was 10.

I always thought that perhaps if KZ had feelings for me then maybe a relationship could work out but somehow it took me 14 years to realise that nope, a relationship could never have worked out because we are way too alike and way too compatible to a point that we would kill ourselves by compromising or fighting each other all the time. However I'm glad to keep him as a friend that I could turn to when I need him. In this day and age of social media, he is someone who don't believe in it hence the phone calls every once in awhile to keep in touch but somehow we have this odd connection and always talk around our birthday months since his birthday is end of April and mine is at the start of May with just 6 days apart of each other. He is someone I would trust with my life and I know he would go to his grave with my deepest secrets and I would do the same for him too.

Someone else who proved me wrong was J. J was one of my worst mistakes and the one that I regretted not keeping the friend zone for. He was my safe person, the person I could turn to if anything happens and I knew he would listen without judging me. I hope I was his safe person too because I would never and still can't judge him for anything despite how much he hurt me back then. He promised me that he would never make me cry and that he would do better than those other guys who had hurt me but guess what, six months down the line, I got dumped through a text message and about 2 or 3 years after that, I had to find out that he regretted our relationship and hated me through a public blog post. We were best friends first and foremost, this was a guy who actually typed out 99 sorry smses (back then no copy and paste function) and sent it to me one by one when he thought he had made me upset but I guess we grew up and he outgrew me. Oh did I mention, he was 2 years younger than me but I still placed my trust in him only to have him shattered it yet I still could never bring myself to actually hate him. I guess a part of me will still always have a good feeling for him somewhere.

M.G is one person that I really wish I could have had a happy ending with but we both know it will never be meant to be. We don't have enough romantic love for each other although platonic love is definitely there. He is the only platonic friend other than Ryo who calls me princess and actually treats me in that way without wanting anything in return. We both knew there were feelings there but as neither of us pursued it, we left it be and became more comfortable in this sense. I sincerely wish that another girl will get the best romantic treatment from him because he deserves that for all of his niceness.

The last person on this list is the one who will never be named but he will know who he is if he ever reads this. Only hints are 17 and 22, high school, Starbucks, car rides, late night talks at a park and 3 weeks. That person broke my heart real bad and it was the person who affected my judging for every single guy after him. Safe to say, only WH has reached close enough to his standard. We never really stayed away from each other cause we can't due to personal reasons but he chose to let things drift apart after the relationship was over. I know he will never admit it but eyes don't lie, I can see how every time we were around each other in between of my relationships, he still has the look of love in his eyes so I get it when he stays away because he is afraid of falling again and losing control like the time he did back then. I will never regret what happened because it needed to happen but I only wished it didn't end so fast because it felt like a fleeting dream which never happened but I knew it happened because of my heart aches whenever I recall the moments back then.

The words penned down here are the feelings I will never be able to actually say to these people but I would like to think that they might know it in one way or another hence the name of my post in Chinese which means can't open my mouth or can't speak.

Hope is Lost

[Disclaimer: All personal opinion]

Something tragic recently happened to a friend of mine. I won't get into it but long story short, she lost her child without a proper reason to it as it was something that medically can't be explained. But what happened after the announcement of the tragedy is what really irked me, upset me plus pissed me off to the point I actually cursed on my social media post which I rarely do so.

There were ignorant people blaming that she may have caused the death and also insensitive people who tried preaching their own beliefs and ideals in the totally wrong timing. Worst still are people who tried to even bring in their own woe is me problems into their comments. My principle is that if you can't say anything nice or even wish just condolences then please shut the fuck up and move along.

I was even more angered when I heard from a friend that she overheard a group of people gossiping about the incident in a cafe and still insinuating that my friend caused everything to happen. My friend loved her baby more than she loved herself, everything she did was so that her child will have a better life than she had. Some people have told me that I'm being too emotional about this but I feel so angry and upset that useless fuckers get away with all these idiotic things that they are saying.

Somehow or other, the story got onto a public forum and rampant accusations are now happening when bulk of these people most likely do not even know her or even met her before. I have always believed that even in the most worst type of people, perhaps there is still sympathy or pity for these kind of cases but seeing the social media comments over the weekend and today on the public forum, I think it's safe to say that this hope and belief is lost to me right now. I have kind of lost my faith in humanity due to this.

I can only pray and hope that my friend is comforted by higher power or God. I can only hope that these people will get what they deserve. All I can feel right now is not even rage, just a deep sense of sadness mixed with anger because there's nothing I can do except to try to type out how I feel although my feelings can't even be explained at all which makes me even more sad because I'm someone who is outside of the situation and I cannot explain how I feel so I cannot even begin to imagine how my friend feels to have her privacy violated, her grief questioned but most of all, to lose her baby with no proper reason which leaves no defense to the stupid disturbing and harassing accusations going around. I wish I came back to this blog on a good note but I needed to type this down to remind myself that sometimes not everyone is good or have a heart.

Stay? I Chose to Let Go

9 years ago, I asked you to stay. You asked me why and I couldn't give you the reason why. But now I realise why, we are soulmates in a very twisted way. We were never meant to be yet we will always be intertwined in one way or another. Our ties can't be severed easily. After that day, everytime we got closer again, you pulled back and distant yourself from me. When I was younger, I was stupid and never realise why you did so.

As I grew older and realised why, the reason hurt me even more. Everytime we got closer, you fell for me again. You tried denying it, you tried saying that the feelings for me have changed but I can tell from the tone of your voice and the look in your eyes. Even from your actions, you now hesitate to be in a place with me all alone, perhaps you are afraid you would lose control like that time we kissed 8 years ago.

We were already broken up by then, I guess I thought in my naive mind that I could change your mind. You returned my kiss, it was not lust but it was more of a regret with a tinge of love. I'm not saying that I would want you at this point in my life but what I'm saying is that I wish you would admit to yourself about your feelings because I still want to be friends but if we are going to keep going round and round in this circle of getting close then getting shoved away with no regards to my feelings then what is the damn point?

Like I said, we are twisted soulmates. Somehow with just a look, we both know the answer and yet at the same time, we are both afraid of mentioning it out loud. I know we will always somehow have love for each other in one way or another. I sometimes wish you were easier to sever ties with but I know deep down inside, I will hurt if we do so.

We once told each other our deepest darkest secrets and fears. We once kissed. We once made a promise that we will be there for each other but as the year is ending, I think I need to start forgetting everything and try to let go. You will always be that twisted soulmate of mine and I, yours but the fate of us ever being together for real is not in our hands. We had more than a "some" relationship, it went deeper than that but to protect my own heart except for that piece that will always be yours, I think I need to first walk away from trying to maintain any kind of friendship with you because it hurts to keep getting close then having you pull away.

Thank you for being there for me, thank you for saving me from my self destruction, thank you for making me believe that it is possible that someone will love me for me but most of all, thank you for making me believe that I was not worthless or tainted because of an arsehole. For that, I will forever be grateful but now it's time to love myself first.

Hence, I will no longer try to approach you first with no reason at all if you do not approach me because it hurts that it seems like I'm the only one interested in maintaining a friendship when it goes both ways. Thank you for everything and may you have the best of luck in all that you do.

Lonely

Writing this down while listening to Nomtom's rendition of Lonely based on his experiences. I relate to it so well, perhaps why I feel like crying every time I listen to it. I smile on the outside, I listen to others telling me their problem, I give advice to them and yet on the inside, I feel dead. Every other day, I look at my scars across my wrists and wonder when will I give in again. It has been 6 years, 6 years since the last time I took a knife across my wrist but yet every time my heart feels all choked up, I am so tempted to grab any sharp object just to inflict pain.

Maybe if it hurt on the outside then it won't hurt so bad on the inside. Although from past experiences, I know that it is not the case. I know this blog is public, I know that people I know may come across this post and think I'm crazy. I sometimes wish I really was then maybe there would be a proper explanation for the way I feel but I know the way I feel is actually an illness. People are usually surprised when I disclose that I do have depression because they look at me as their sunshine, their bubbly person and I do not fit into the depression stereotype but I believe what I have is high functioning depression.

Somehow everything I read about that condition totally fits me. Why I don't go to a doctor? I live in an Asian country, the minute you come clean about experiencing mental illness, everyone looks at you as though you are gonna go crazy and kill them although honestly the only person I'm killing is myself. I have learned to recognize when I'm triggered and I try my best to control but it is really really hard.

I can't honestly say that it gets better because it doesn't, I only learned to control it. I stopped self medication, drinking all of the alcohol just so that I could sleep, cutting but I'm dead on the inside. I suppress how I feel on the inside just so that it doesn't show on the outside but every day it gets a little harder. Some days, I'm so afraid that today will be day that I give up. Sure, there are people I talk to who try to understand and who claims they go through depression too but you can tell that their experience is so different from what I'm facing.

Nomtom's lyrics describes how I feel so well and that is how I'm gonna end this post.

lonely, why does everything I do, end up feeling lonely
am I doing something wrong? Am I turning slowly
into someone I fear , its drawing so near
so guess I have to face the truth and know that I am 
lonely, why does everything I do, ends up leaving slowly?

Moment

I keep reminiscing and coming back here. Mainly because this blog does not contain those moments.
Those moments that I wrote down while crying and had my tears stained the pages.
Those moments which I smiled so much as I wrote things down not wanting to forget how those moments made me felt but who knew that 9 years onward, it is those very moments that I would want to forget and erase.
Those moments which we could just look at each other and knew what the other person was thinking.
Those moments in which silence was comfortable and I felt like I could take on the world as long as I had you by my side.
Those moments that I truly felt loved without having to change myself at all.
Those moments when you took my wrist in your hands and promised me that I would never scar myself again because you would take care of me and not hurt me.
That moment when I realized that everything was just a band-aid and you never meant to heal me because you couldn't heal yourself first.
That moment when I realized that both of us were trying so hard to hang onto something which was never meant to be ours in the first place.
That moment when I realized you did love me back but it is now too late to go back and change everything.
That moment when I realized that even if we could go back, the outcome would have been the same one way or another.
That moment when I realized I will always love you somehow, someway.
That moment when I realized and regret that you will have always have a piece of my heart somehow but your's will never be mine.
That moment which is now that I realize that I should let everything go because if it was meant to be, things would have changed 6 years ago but it never did so this is our fate, to have love and loved but always reminiscing one way or another.

Closure?

And so we met, it felt like all of the other times and yet at the same time, it wasn't the same feeling at all. I guess we all needed time to grow up and confront our deepest feelings and fears. I think that what I feared most was to confirm that nothing in our relationship for that moment was never real and that everything I thought was real wasn't actually.

But I think that you had more fears than me, I think that you feared falling again and so a distance and gap which was never intended was created. I think what I felt sad most was not the fact that you lied but more of how I knew you lied and the fact that you actually still had feelings then for me although I guess both of us know we can never go back to those moments.

We talked and I asked questions, questions which you were obviously hesitant to answer but at the end of the day, you did and I honestly had thought that I would get my closure but ends up, I have more questions in my head than ever before. You knew there was something wrong between me and that arsehole, why did you not rescue me out of it? You knew you broke my heart, why did you not ever address it instead of ignoring the giant elephant in the room? You knew you still loved me so why did you leave me?

I guess I'm just typing these words out here for the sake of typing because I know that it will never reach you and that this will be our swan song letter.