Perhaps this feeling will never go away, perhaps I will always feel this way. This sense of being lost, lonely, afraid and feeling fake. To the world, I seem happy, strong and have everything I could ever want but when it comes down to what I really feel on the inside, I feel fake and tired.
I try to give everything to all I do but I end up feeling so drained, tired and burnt out. I never feel good enough on anything and why should I? I have always been that girl who is never pretty, never really smart, never really anything. I feel like I always keep up a facade and it gets very tiring. How can I advise others to hang on when I myself find it hard? How can I act like nothing affects me when I myself am faking it to the world.
I admire those who can bravely come out and say what they feel because the moment I do that, I just get a lot of disbelief and judgement. Yeah, how can someone who seems so bubbly and happy feel like she want to die almost everyday right? But that is exactly how I feel. Seeing what happened with Chester Bennington scared me, what if I finally lose my grip one day? What if I can no longer silence those voices in my head? What if one day this sinking feeling really sinks me down?
It's been almost two years since I almost attempted suicide, yup I said it. I almost attempted suicide in November 2015, it was so bad that I can't even remember the date but only the month. I can't even remember what triggered me but all I know is that I felt like I couldn't hang on anymore. Everything seemed like it was collapsing for me, I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt like perhaps ending everything will be my only solution. The thing that stopped me was ironically a Linkin Park song. It was Waiting for the End. I don't know why but somehow that song just triggered me to not go on with my attempt. I lived, cried many many many tears on the drive home. Yup, I actually almost went over a flyover in my attempt. This is my first time ever actually really writing about it and somehow writing about it makes me wonder why. Why is it that I still feel this way two years later? Don't worry, I'm not going to go and drive over some flyover or something. This is not my swan song letter.
I just wish that there's a way to stop these feelings because it is so draining and tiring...
Friday, September 29, 2017
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
開不了口
I don't know why it took me so long to learn this but a lot of times, the people that you are or were most compatible with will never end up being your end person most of the time. Sometimes it is because you are too compatible that things will just end badly if you ever get together with them or perhaps you never got together with them but you realise it much later.
I knew KZ since I was 9 and he was 12 though we had drifted apart since we were of different schools after that but when I was finally in the same secondary school as him when I was 13 and he was 16 & met back with him, we just clicked or rather he tolerated my little schoolgirl crush. We could and still talk for hours, we can just keep going even if we have not spoken in awhile. Out of all of my crushes and past relationships, he was the one who rejected me the gentlest and trust me, I even had one guy who made sure I was watching him rip apart my valentine's letter and threw it into the trash can in front of me when I was 10.
I always thought that perhaps if KZ had feelings for me then maybe a relationship could work out but somehow it took me 14 years to realise that nope, a relationship could never have worked out because we are way too alike and way too compatible to a point that we would kill ourselves by compromising or fighting each other all the time. However I'm glad to keep him as a friend that I could turn to when I need him. In this day and age of social media, he is someone who don't believe in it hence the phone calls every once in awhile to keep in touch but somehow we have this odd connection and always talk around our birthday months since his birthday is end of April and mine is at the start of May with just 6 days apart of each other. He is someone I would trust with my life and I know he would go to his grave with my deepest secrets and I would do the same for him too.
Someone else who proved me wrong was J. J was one of my worst mistakes and the one that I regretted not keeping the friend zone for. He was my safe person, the person I could turn to if anything happens and I knew he would listen without judging me. I hope I was his safe person too because I would never and still can't judge him for anything despite how much he hurt me back then. He promised me that he would never make me cry and that he would do better than those other guys who had hurt me but guess what, six months down the line, I got dumped through a text message and about 2 or 3 years after that, I had to find out that he regretted our relationship and hated me through a public blog post. We were best friends first and foremost, this was a guy who actually typed out 99 sorry smses (back then no copy and paste function) and sent it to me one by one when he thought he had made me upset but I guess we grew up and he outgrew me. Oh did I mention, he was 2 years younger than me but I still placed my trust in him only to have him shattered it yet I still could never bring myself to actually hate him. I guess a part of me will still always have a good feeling for him somewhere.
M.G is one person that I really wish I could have had a happy ending with but we both know it will never be meant to be. We don't have enough romantic love for each other although platonic love is definitely there. He is the only platonic friend other than Ryo who calls me princess and actually treats me in that way without wanting anything in return. We both knew there were feelings there but as neither of us pursued it, we left it be and became more comfortable in this sense. I sincerely wish that another girl will get the best romantic treatment from him because he deserves that for all of his niceness.
The last person on this list is the one who will never be named but he will know who he is if he ever reads this. Only hints are 17 and 22, high school, Starbucks, car rides, late night talks at a park and 3 weeks. That person broke my heart real bad and it was the person who affected my judging for every single guy after him. Safe to say, only WH has reached close enough to his standard. We never really stayed away from each other cause we can't due to personal reasons but he chose to let things drift apart after the relationship was over. I know he will never admit it but eyes don't lie, I can see how every time we were around each other in between of my relationships, he still has the look of love in his eyes so I get it when he stays away because he is afraid of falling again and losing control like the time he did back then. I will never regret what happened because it needed to happen but I only wished it didn't end so fast because it felt like a fleeting dream which never happened but I knew it happened because of my heart aches whenever I recall the moments back then.
The words penned down here are the feelings I will never be able to actually say to these people but I would like to think that they might know it in one way or another hence the name of my post in Chinese which means can't open my mouth or can't speak.
I knew KZ since I was 9 and he was 12 though we had drifted apart since we were of different schools after that but when I was finally in the same secondary school as him when I was 13 and he was 16 & met back with him, we just clicked or rather he tolerated my little schoolgirl crush. We could and still talk for hours, we can just keep going even if we have not spoken in awhile. Out of all of my crushes and past relationships, he was the one who rejected me the gentlest and trust me, I even had one guy who made sure I was watching him rip apart my valentine's letter and threw it into the trash can in front of me when I was 10.
I always thought that perhaps if KZ had feelings for me then maybe a relationship could work out but somehow it took me 14 years to realise that nope, a relationship could never have worked out because we are way too alike and way too compatible to a point that we would kill ourselves by compromising or fighting each other all the time. However I'm glad to keep him as a friend that I could turn to when I need him. In this day and age of social media, he is someone who don't believe in it hence the phone calls every once in awhile to keep in touch but somehow we have this odd connection and always talk around our birthday months since his birthday is end of April and mine is at the start of May with just 6 days apart of each other. He is someone I would trust with my life and I know he would go to his grave with my deepest secrets and I would do the same for him too.
Someone else who proved me wrong was J. J was one of my worst mistakes and the one that I regretted not keeping the friend zone for. He was my safe person, the person I could turn to if anything happens and I knew he would listen without judging me. I hope I was his safe person too because I would never and still can't judge him for anything despite how much he hurt me back then. He promised me that he would never make me cry and that he would do better than those other guys who had hurt me but guess what, six months down the line, I got dumped through a text message and about 2 or 3 years after that, I had to find out that he regretted our relationship and hated me through a public blog post. We were best friends first and foremost, this was a guy who actually typed out 99 sorry smses (back then no copy and paste function) and sent it to me one by one when he thought he had made me upset but I guess we grew up and he outgrew me. Oh did I mention, he was 2 years younger than me but I still placed my trust in him only to have him shattered it yet I still could never bring myself to actually hate him. I guess a part of me will still always have a good feeling for him somewhere.
M.G is one person that I really wish I could have had a happy ending with but we both know it will never be meant to be. We don't have enough romantic love for each other although platonic love is definitely there. He is the only platonic friend other than Ryo who calls me princess and actually treats me in that way without wanting anything in return. We both knew there were feelings there but as neither of us pursued it, we left it be and became more comfortable in this sense. I sincerely wish that another girl will get the best romantic treatment from him because he deserves that for all of his niceness.
The last person on this list is the one who will never be named but he will know who he is if he ever reads this. Only hints are 17 and 22, high school, Starbucks, car rides, late night talks at a park and 3 weeks. That person broke my heart real bad and it was the person who affected my judging for every single guy after him. Safe to say, only WH has reached close enough to his standard. We never really stayed away from each other cause we can't due to personal reasons but he chose to let things drift apart after the relationship was over. I know he will never admit it but eyes don't lie, I can see how every time we were around each other in between of my relationships, he still has the look of love in his eyes so I get it when he stays away because he is afraid of falling again and losing control like the time he did back then. I will never regret what happened because it needed to happen but I only wished it didn't end so fast because it felt like a fleeting dream which never happened but I knew it happened because of my heart aches whenever I recall the moments back then.
The words penned down here are the feelings I will never be able to actually say to these people but I would like to think that they might know it in one way or another hence the name of my post in Chinese which means can't open my mouth or can't speak.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Hope is Lost
[Disclaimer: All personal opinion]
Something tragic recently happened to a friend of mine. I won't get into it but long story short, she lost her child without a proper reason to it as it was something that medically can't be explained. But what happened after the announcement of the tragedy is what really irked me, upset me plus pissed me off to the point I actually cursed on my social media post which I rarely do so.
There were ignorant people blaming that she may have caused the death and also insensitive people who tried preaching their own beliefs and ideals in the totally wrong timing. Worst still are people who tried to even bring in their own woe is me problems into their comments. My principle is that if you can't say anything nice or even wish just condolences then please shut the fuck up and move along.
I was even more angered when I heard from a friend that she overheard a group of people gossiping about the incident in a cafe and still insinuating that my friend caused everything to happen. My friend loved her baby more than she loved herself, everything she did was so that her child will have a better life than she had. Some people have told me that I'm being too emotional about this but I feel so angry and upset that useless fuckers get away with all these idiotic things that they are saying.
Somehow or other, the story got onto a public forum and rampant accusations are now happening when bulk of these people most likely do not even know her or even met her before. I have always believed that even in the most worst type of people, perhaps there is still sympathy or pity for these kind of cases but seeing the social media comments over the weekend and today on the public forum, I think it's safe to say that this hope and belief is lost to me right now. I have kind of lost my faith in humanity due to this.
I can only pray and hope that my friend is comforted by higher power or God. I can only hope that these people will get what they deserve. All I can feel right now is not even rage, just a deep sense of sadness mixed with anger because there's nothing I can do except to try to type out how I feel although my feelings can't even be explained at all which makes me even more sad because I'm someone who is outside of the situation and I cannot explain how I feel so I cannot even begin to imagine how my friend feels to have her privacy violated, her grief questioned but most of all, to lose her baby with no proper reason which leaves no defense to the stupid disturbing and harassing accusations going around. I wish I came back to this blog on a good note but I needed to type this down to remind myself that sometimes not everyone is good or have a heart.
Something tragic recently happened to a friend of mine. I won't get into it but long story short, she lost her child without a proper reason to it as it was something that medically can't be explained. But what happened after the announcement of the tragedy is what really irked me, upset me plus pissed me off to the point I actually cursed on my social media post which I rarely do so.
There were ignorant people blaming that she may have caused the death and also insensitive people who tried preaching their own beliefs and ideals in the totally wrong timing. Worst still are people who tried to even bring in their own woe is me problems into their comments. My principle is that if you can't say anything nice or even wish just condolences then please shut the fuck up and move along.
I was even more angered when I heard from a friend that she overheard a group of people gossiping about the incident in a cafe and still insinuating that my friend caused everything to happen. My friend loved her baby more than she loved herself, everything she did was so that her child will have a better life than she had. Some people have told me that I'm being too emotional about this but I feel so angry and upset that useless fuckers get away with all these idiotic things that they are saying.
Somehow or other, the story got onto a public forum and rampant accusations are now happening when bulk of these people most likely do not even know her or even met her before. I have always believed that even in the most worst type of people, perhaps there is still sympathy or pity for these kind of cases but seeing the social media comments over the weekend and today on the public forum, I think it's safe to say that this hope and belief is lost to me right now. I have kind of lost my faith in humanity due to this.
I can only pray and hope that my friend is comforted by higher power or God. I can only hope that these people will get what they deserve. All I can feel right now is not even rage, just a deep sense of sadness mixed with anger because there's nothing I can do except to try to type out how I feel although my feelings can't even be explained at all which makes me even more sad because I'm someone who is outside of the situation and I cannot explain how I feel so I cannot even begin to imagine how my friend feels to have her privacy violated, her grief questioned but most of all, to lose her baby with no proper reason which leaves no defense to the stupid disturbing and harassing accusations going around. I wish I came back to this blog on a good note but I needed to type this down to remind myself that sometimes not everyone is good or have a heart.
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