I don't know why it took me so long to learn this but a lot of times, the people that you are or were most compatible with will never end up being your end person most of the time. Sometimes it is because you are too compatible that things will just end badly if you ever get together with them or perhaps you never got together with them but you realise it much later.
I knew KZ since I was 9 and he was 12 though we had drifted apart since we were of different schools after that but when I was finally in the same secondary school as him when I was 13 and he was 16 & met back with him, we just clicked or rather he tolerated my little schoolgirl crush. We could and still talk for hours, we can just keep going even if we have not spoken in awhile. Out of all of my crushes and past relationships, he was the one who rejected me the gentlest and trust me, I even had one guy who made sure I was watching him rip apart my valentine's letter and threw it into the trash can in front of me when I was 10.
I always thought that perhaps if KZ had feelings for me then maybe a relationship could work out but somehow it took me 14 years to realise that nope, a relationship could never have worked out because we are way too alike and way too compatible to a point that we would kill ourselves by compromising or fighting each other all the time. However I'm glad to keep him as a friend that I could turn to when I need him. In this day and age of social media, he is someone who don't believe in it hence the phone calls every once in awhile to keep in touch but somehow we have this odd connection and always talk around our birthday months since his birthday is end of April and mine is at the start of May with just 6 days apart of each other. He is someone I would trust with my life and I know he would go to his grave with my deepest secrets and I would do the same for him too.
Someone else who proved me wrong was J. J was one of my worst mistakes and the one that I regretted not keeping the friend zone for. He was my safe person, the person I could turn to if anything happens and I knew he would listen without judging me. I hope I was his safe person too because I would never and still can't judge him for anything despite how much he hurt me back then. He promised me that he would never make me cry and that he would do better than those other guys who had hurt me but guess what, six months down the line, I got dumped through a text message and about 2 or 3 years after that, I had to find out that he regretted our relationship and hated me through a public blog post. We were best friends first and foremost, this was a guy who actually typed out 99 sorry smses (back then no copy and paste function) and sent it to me one by one when he thought he had made me upset but I guess we grew up and he outgrew me. Oh did I mention, he was 2 years younger than me but I still placed my trust in him only to have him shattered it yet I still could never bring myself to actually hate him. I guess a part of me will still always have a good feeling for him somewhere.
M.G is one person that I really wish I could have had a happy ending with but we both know it will never be meant to be. We don't have enough romantic love for each other although platonic love is definitely there. He is the only platonic friend other than Ryo who calls me princess and actually treats me in that way without wanting anything in return. We both knew there were feelings there but as neither of us pursued it, we left it be and became more comfortable in this sense. I sincerely wish that another girl will get the best romantic treatment from him because he deserves that for all of his niceness.
The last person on this list is the one who will never be named but he will know who he is if he ever reads this. Only hints are 17 and 22, high school, Starbucks, car rides, late night talks at a park and 3 weeks. That person broke my heart real bad and it was the person who affected my judging for every single guy after him. Safe to say, only WH has reached close enough to his standard. We never really stayed away from each other cause we can't due to personal reasons but he chose to let things drift apart after the relationship was over. I know he will never admit it but eyes don't lie, I can see how every time we were around each other in between of my relationships, he still has the look of love in his eyes so I get it when he stays away because he is afraid of falling again and losing control like the time he did back then. I will never regret what happened because it needed to happen but I only wished it didn't end so fast because it felt like a fleeting dream which never happened but I knew it happened because of my heart aches whenever I recall the moments back then.
The words penned down here are the feelings I will never be able to actually say to these people but I would like to think that they might know it in one way or another hence the name of my post in Chinese which means can't open my mouth or can't speak.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Stay? I Chose to Let Go
9 years ago, I asked you to stay. You asked me why and I couldn't give you the reason why. But now I realise why, we are soulmates in a very twisted way. We were never meant to be yet we will always be intertwined in one way or another. Our ties can't be severed easily. After that day, everytime we got closer again, you pulled back and distant yourself from me. When I was younger, I was stupid and never realise why you did so.
As I grew older and realised why, the reason hurt me even more. Everytime we got closer, you fell for me again. You tried denying it, you tried saying that the feelings for me have changed but I can tell from the tone of your voice and the look in your eyes. Even from your actions, you now hesitate to be in a place with me all alone, perhaps you are afraid you would lose control like that time we kissed 8 years ago.
We were already broken up by then, I guess I thought in my naive mind that I could change your mind. You returned my kiss, it was not lust but it was more of a regret with a tinge of love. I'm not saying that I would want you at this point in my life but what I'm saying is that I wish you would admit to yourself about your feelings because I still want to be friends but if we are going to keep going round and round in this circle of getting close then getting shoved away with no regards to my feelings then what is the damn point?
Like I said, we are twisted soulmates. Somehow with just a look, we both know the answer and yet at the same time, we are both afraid of mentioning it out loud. I know we will always somehow have love for each other in one way or another. I sometimes wish you were easier to sever ties with but I know deep down inside, I will hurt if we do so.
We once told each other our deepest darkest secrets and fears. We once kissed. We once made a promise that we will be there for each other but as the year is ending, I think I need to start forgetting everything and try to let go. You will always be that twisted soulmate of mine and I, yours but the fate of us ever being together for real is not in our hands. We had more than a "some" relationship, it went deeper than that but to protect my own heart except for that piece that will always be yours, I think I need to first walk away from trying to maintain any kind of friendship with you because it hurts to keep getting close then having you pull away.
Thank you for being there for me, thank you for saving me from my self destruction, thank you for making me believe that it is possible that someone will love me for me but most of all, thank you for making me believe that I was not worthless or tainted because of an arsehole. For that, I will forever be grateful but now it's time to love myself first.
Hence, I will no longer try to approach you first with no reason at all if you do not approach me because it hurts that it seems like I'm the only one interested in maintaining a friendship when it goes both ways. Thank you for everything and may you have the best of luck in all that you do.
As I grew older and realised why, the reason hurt me even more. Everytime we got closer, you fell for me again. You tried denying it, you tried saying that the feelings for me have changed but I can tell from the tone of your voice and the look in your eyes. Even from your actions, you now hesitate to be in a place with me all alone, perhaps you are afraid you would lose control like that time we kissed 8 years ago.
We were already broken up by then, I guess I thought in my naive mind that I could change your mind. You returned my kiss, it was not lust but it was more of a regret with a tinge of love. I'm not saying that I would want you at this point in my life but what I'm saying is that I wish you would admit to yourself about your feelings because I still want to be friends but if we are going to keep going round and round in this circle of getting close then getting shoved away with no regards to my feelings then what is the damn point?
Like I said, we are twisted soulmates. Somehow with just a look, we both know the answer and yet at the same time, we are both afraid of mentioning it out loud. I know we will always somehow have love for each other in one way or another. I sometimes wish you were easier to sever ties with but I know deep down inside, I will hurt if we do so.
We once told each other our deepest darkest secrets and fears. We once kissed. We once made a promise that we will be there for each other but as the year is ending, I think I need to start forgetting everything and try to let go. You will always be that twisted soulmate of mine and I, yours but the fate of us ever being together for real is not in our hands. We had more than a "some" relationship, it went deeper than that but to protect my own heart except for that piece that will always be yours, I think I need to first walk away from trying to maintain any kind of friendship with you because it hurts to keep getting close then having you pull away.
Thank you for being there for me, thank you for saving me from my self destruction, thank you for making me believe that it is possible that someone will love me for me but most of all, thank you for making me believe that I was not worthless or tainted because of an arsehole. For that, I will forever be grateful but now it's time to love myself first.
Hence, I will no longer try to approach you first with no reason at all if you do not approach me because it hurts that it seems like I'm the only one interested in maintaining a friendship when it goes both ways. Thank you for everything and may you have the best of luck in all that you do.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Moment
I keep reminiscing and coming back here. Mainly because this blog does not contain those moments.
Those moments that I wrote down while crying and had my tears stained the pages.
Those moments which I smiled so much as I wrote things down not wanting to forget how those moments made me felt but who knew that 9 years onward, it is those very moments that I would want to forget and erase.
Those moments which we could just look at each other and knew what the other person was thinking.
Those moments in which silence was comfortable and I felt like I could take on the world as long as I had you by my side.
Those moments that I truly felt loved without having to change myself at all.
Those moments when you took my wrist in your hands and promised me that I would never scar myself again because you would take care of me and not hurt me.
That moment when I realized that everything was just a band-aid and you never meant to heal me because you couldn't heal yourself first.
That moment when I realized that both of us were trying so hard to hang onto something which was never meant to be ours in the first place.
That moment when I realized you did love me back but it is now too late to go back and change everything.
That moment when I realized that even if we could go back, the outcome would have been the same one way or another.
That moment when I realized I will always love you somehow, someway.
That moment when I realized and regret that you will have always have a piece of my heart somehow but your's will never be mine.
That moment which is now that I realize that I should let everything go because if it was meant to be, things would have changed 6 years ago but it never did so this is our fate, to have love and loved but always reminiscing one way or another.
Those moments that I wrote down while crying and had my tears stained the pages.
Those moments which I smiled so much as I wrote things down not wanting to forget how those moments made me felt but who knew that 9 years onward, it is those very moments that I would want to forget and erase.
Those moments which we could just look at each other and knew what the other person was thinking.
Those moments in which silence was comfortable and I felt like I could take on the world as long as I had you by my side.
Those moments that I truly felt loved without having to change myself at all.
Those moments when you took my wrist in your hands and promised me that I would never scar myself again because you would take care of me and not hurt me.
That moment when I realized that everything was just a band-aid and you never meant to heal me because you couldn't heal yourself first.
That moment when I realized that both of us were trying so hard to hang onto something which was never meant to be ours in the first place.
That moment when I realized you did love me back but it is now too late to go back and change everything.
That moment when I realized that even if we could go back, the outcome would have been the same one way or another.
That moment when I realized I will always love you somehow, someway.
That moment when I realized and regret that you will have always have a piece of my heart somehow but your's will never be mine.
That moment which is now that I realize that I should let everything go because if it was meant to be, things would have changed 6 years ago but it never did so this is our fate, to have love and loved but always reminiscing one way or another.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Closure?
And so we met, it felt like all of the other times and yet at the same time, it wasn't the same feeling at all. I guess we all needed time to grow up and confront our deepest feelings and fears. I think that what I feared most was to confirm that nothing in our relationship for that moment was never real and that everything I thought was real wasn't actually.
But I think that you had more fears than me, I think that you feared falling again and so a distance and gap which was never intended was created. I think what I felt sad most was not the fact that you lied but more of how I knew you lied and the fact that you actually still had feelings then for me although I guess both of us know we can never go back to those moments.
We talked and I asked questions, questions which you were obviously hesitant to answer but at the end of the day, you did and I honestly had thought that I would get my closure but ends up, I have more questions in my head than ever before. You knew there was something wrong between me and that arsehole, why did you not rescue me out of it? You knew you broke my heart, why did you not ever address it instead of ignoring the giant elephant in the room? You knew you still loved me so why did you leave me?
I guess I'm just typing these words out here for the sake of typing because I know that it will never reach you and that this will be our swan song letter.
But I think that you had more fears than me, I think that you feared falling again and so a distance and gap which was never intended was created. I think what I felt sad most was not the fact that you lied but more of how I knew you lied and the fact that you actually still had feelings then for me although I guess both of us know we can never go back to those moments.
We talked and I asked questions, questions which you were obviously hesitant to answer but at the end of the day, you did and I honestly had thought that I would get my closure but ends up, I have more questions in my head than ever before. You knew there was something wrong between me and that arsehole, why did you not rescue me out of it? You knew you broke my heart, why did you not ever address it instead of ignoring the giant elephant in the room? You knew you still loved me so why did you leave me?
I guess I'm just typing these words out here for the sake of typing because I know that it will never reach you and that this will be our swan song letter.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Naivety
I've been reminiscing a lot recently and frankly speaking, I don't even know why. I think about past loves and past relationships and also friendships. There were at least two relationships in which it began from a friendship first. One of them acts like we never knew each other at all and the other keeps a distance from me as of this moment.
Perhaps it is for the best, I guess. When I love, I love too hard and yet when my heart gets broken, I still love the person who broke my heart in some way. If I were to put it into words, I guess my heart is torn up with many missing puzzle pieces and I know that those pieces will never return somehow.
I turned 26 this year and I find it hard to believe that I've been through ups and downs of relationships since I was 14. Sometimes I thought to myself, wow it's been 12 years since my first ever relationship? Out of all of the six exes I ever had (I had really short relationships and mostly got dumped), I can safely say that only one remained as a friend who I can talk to almost all the time and the other one who I thought would stay friend as well has become really distant from me.
I admit that when I was younger, I crushed easily and it was very easy for me to confess and I was naive enough to believe that the guy felt the same way for me when they told me that it was ok and for us to try working out a relationship only to find out later that I was being used all along. One guy who was my confidante once confessed to me because he couldn't stand me crying anymore for another guy who dumped me through a phone call and yet six months later, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore.
I actually for once went through a rebound phase after that because there were no obvious signs at all that our relationship was in trouble and yet to get a text saying "let's break up, I don't love you anymore", I think my world kind of turned upside down a little bit. Best part was that I was actually acting out a break up scene the next day for an assignment video so needless to say, the poor guy acting out the guy dumping me actually got slapped for real when he couldn't dodge in time.
It was then I realized that I was really affected by the break up and I even stupidly confessed to one of my best friends at that point in time but my best friend was smart enough to realize that I was just going through a rebound stage hence he never returned my feelings. I guess there were already signs that it would not work out with the guy who dumped me but I chose to naively believe that love would conquer all and that it would be us against the world.
I was only 18 at that point in time and yet I felt like I didn't want to fall for someone again for a long long time. I guess fate has a funny way of playing with us as I fell again less than a year later and it was my longest yet most disastrous relationship ever. I lost so many things in that relationship, I lost my spark, I lost my innocence, I lost my naivety but most of all, I lost that part of me who trusts in love.
When I finally left him after all of the abuse, I realized that I found it hard to believe that I was worthy to be loved and also hard to trust anyone saying that they loved me for me because I jumped through so many hoops in order to be loved by him and was never made to feel that I would be loved for myself that until this day, I still carry that insecurity with me despite having in a committed relationship for almost 5 and 1/2 years now.
Occasionally I see people younger than me and they have so much hope for their relationship and me being the cynic will be thinking to myself that they should just wait and see. I wish I never lost that naive side of myself because it does get really hard to believe that you can loved just for being yourself and that people can be trusted. I'm always 99% in but 1% out just so that I don't 100% lose myself ever again.
Perhaps it is for the best, I guess. When I love, I love too hard and yet when my heart gets broken, I still love the person who broke my heart in some way. If I were to put it into words, I guess my heart is torn up with many missing puzzle pieces and I know that those pieces will never return somehow.
I turned 26 this year and I find it hard to believe that I've been through ups and downs of relationships since I was 14. Sometimes I thought to myself, wow it's been 12 years since my first ever relationship? Out of all of the six exes I ever had (I had really short relationships and mostly got dumped), I can safely say that only one remained as a friend who I can talk to almost all the time and the other one who I thought would stay friend as well has become really distant from me.
I admit that when I was younger, I crushed easily and it was very easy for me to confess and I was naive enough to believe that the guy felt the same way for me when they told me that it was ok and for us to try working out a relationship only to find out later that I was being used all along. One guy who was my confidante once confessed to me because he couldn't stand me crying anymore for another guy who dumped me through a phone call and yet six months later, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore.
I actually for once went through a rebound phase after that because there were no obvious signs at all that our relationship was in trouble and yet to get a text saying "let's break up, I don't love you anymore", I think my world kind of turned upside down a little bit. Best part was that I was actually acting out a break up scene the next day for an assignment video so needless to say, the poor guy acting out the guy dumping me actually got slapped for real when he couldn't dodge in time.
It was then I realized that I was really affected by the break up and I even stupidly confessed to one of my best friends at that point in time but my best friend was smart enough to realize that I was just going through a rebound stage hence he never returned my feelings. I guess there were already signs that it would not work out with the guy who dumped me but I chose to naively believe that love would conquer all and that it would be us against the world.
I was only 18 at that point in time and yet I felt like I didn't want to fall for someone again for a long long time. I guess fate has a funny way of playing with us as I fell again less than a year later and it was my longest yet most disastrous relationship ever. I lost so many things in that relationship, I lost my spark, I lost my innocence, I lost my naivety but most of all, I lost that part of me who trusts in love.
When I finally left him after all of the abuse, I realized that I found it hard to believe that I was worthy to be loved and also hard to trust anyone saying that they loved me for me because I jumped through so many hoops in order to be loved by him and was never made to feel that I would be loved for myself that until this day, I still carry that insecurity with me despite having in a committed relationship for almost 5 and 1/2 years now.
Occasionally I see people younger than me and they have so much hope for their relationship and me being the cynic will be thinking to myself that they should just wait and see. I wish I never lost that naive side of myself because it does get really hard to believe that you can loved just for being yourself and that people can be trusted. I'm always 99% in but 1% out just so that I don't 100% lose myself ever again.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
We Don't Talk Anymore
Somehow when I listen to this song by Charlie Puth feat Selena Gomez, all I can think of is you. What happened to us? We talked pretty much everyday, if not through calls then it was through texting.
You were the one I leaned on, the one who knew of everything and the one who knew something was wrong just by the tone of my voice even if I don't say anything but now? I can't even remember the last time we talked face to face alone.
It has been six years, six years since you gave me hope to love again but the person I fell in love with was not you. Perhaps there is a reason for this but at the same time, this hurts a lot because I was never given a proper closure and you do not want to give me one.
It has been 9 years since you left me with a lousy piece of excuse but when I asked for the truth, you just said that it was the past and that I shouldn't try to rip open that can of worms but how can I not when I know for a fact that you lied.
That look on your face when you saw me in that dress was couple of years too late and sometimes I do wonder if you had wanted me back at all. That January night in 2008 after we broke up in October 2007 will be one that I won't forget because that was the moment that I knew you lied and yet you still wouldn't admit your true feelings.
Yes, I kissed you but you kissed back and it was different from lust, it had a taste of regret but yet when you finally pushed me off, the look in your eyes was unmistakably regret with a tinge of fear. Did you fear falling for me? Because if you did, I'm sorry to say that you had already fallen before that and I can tell that you regret it.
If we both had taken risks back then, would things have turned out differently or we would still be here not talking anymore? Somehow I find comfort writing my ramblings here because I know somehow you won't ever read them. I love my boyfriend very much but that piece of my heart will always somehow be yours because you ripped it out and never returned it.
You were the one I leaned on, the one who knew of everything and the one who knew something was wrong just by the tone of my voice even if I don't say anything but now? I can't even remember the last time we talked face to face alone.
It has been six years, six years since you gave me hope to love again but the person I fell in love with was not you. Perhaps there is a reason for this but at the same time, this hurts a lot because I was never given a proper closure and you do not want to give me one.
It has been 9 years since you left me with a lousy piece of excuse but when I asked for the truth, you just said that it was the past and that I shouldn't try to rip open that can of worms but how can I not when I know for a fact that you lied.
That look on your face when you saw me in that dress was couple of years too late and sometimes I do wonder if you had wanted me back at all. That January night in 2008 after we broke up in October 2007 will be one that I won't forget because that was the moment that I knew you lied and yet you still wouldn't admit your true feelings.
Yes, I kissed you but you kissed back and it was different from lust, it had a taste of regret but yet when you finally pushed me off, the look in your eyes was unmistakably regret with a tinge of fear. Did you fear falling for me? Because if you did, I'm sorry to say that you had already fallen before that and I can tell that you regret it.
If we both had taken risks back then, would things have turned out differently or we would still be here not talking anymore? Somehow I find comfort writing my ramblings here because I know somehow you won't ever read them. I love my boyfriend very much but that piece of my heart will always somehow be yours because you ripped it out and never returned it.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Kisses
Do you remember the first time we kissed?
I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't
But reading that journal entry again made me relive it
It was meant to be a chaste goodnight kiss
that quickly turned into a passionate French kiss
What I do remember most was the last time we kissed
We had already broken up by then
I guess it was my last attempt but as soon as it was over,
it was clear that what was broken could not be mended.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Ode To The Past
I have met a soulmate
but alas we were never to be
He, the angel and I, the fallen one
The moment our lips touched,
it felt perfect and pure yet
sinful and pleasurable at the same time.
The one that got away was never fully in my grasp
but I was lucky to call him mine
even if it was just those short three weeks
As days, weeks, months and eventually years went by,
I still wondered if he had ever loved me
even if it was just for a short moment.
Perhaps if he did then this heart will not
still have a hole that is left by him ripping that piece out
and it was never marked return to owner
because he never wanted to return it.
Perhaps that is all that is meant to be
for this chapter of the story that
will be left open ended as the end is
one that is left to fate and destiny to write.
You were but a boy and I was but a girl
Who were we to think that we could
stand a chance against this world?
When you left, it didn't hurt me
that you were leaving,
the thing that hurt was that
you said you no longer loved me.
The deeper I fell, the more you
pushed back and recoiled.
Even when years passed,
all you could say was that you
must have been stupid for
falling for me back then and
here's my reply to that,
I was stupid to have accepted
your love and to love you back too.
He must never be named because
he doesn't go by the name I know him
by anymore
The one I lost most to but also the same one
that taught me that love can be taken for granted
because he took mine for granted
The one I trusted all of his lies and the same one
that I told all of my truths to
The one that I saw myself walking down the aisle with
only to find that it was not the same vision that he had in his mind.
The one who said forever promise first yet
the same one who broke it first
The one who raised his hands at me and yet the same one
I defended because I loved him that much
The one who no longer is in my life neither am I in his
We're just strangers who knew each other
in a past life because the me that was with him
died the moment that the illusion was shattered.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Lies
Maybe I never really gave up, maybe I just bottled everything up hoping that one day, everything will spill out and things will get a closure but it never did. None of us said the words that needed to be said. You say it's the past and that I should just forget about it but how can I when I do not know the truth?
What is the truth? I can't answer that myself. Did you ever love me or was everything just a game to you? Was it fun kissing someone who you love as your sister? Was it fun to break my heart? It's been 8 years, 8 fucking years and yet everytime I picture that moment, it still hurts. We never did address what happened.
Maybe we never will or maybe things should just end this way. Who knows? You have your life and I have mine but the minute I think about the past, it still hurts. Why? I can't even answer that myself and the worst part is knowing that you will never know how I feel.
Lies-Big Bang
What is the truth? I can't answer that myself. Did you ever love me or was everything just a game to you? Was it fun kissing someone who you love as your sister? Was it fun to break my heart? It's been 8 years, 8 fucking years and yet everytime I picture that moment, it still hurts. We never did address what happened.
Maybe we never will or maybe things should just end this way. Who knows? You have your life and I have mine but the minute I think about the past, it still hurts. Why? I can't even answer that myself and the worst part is knowing that you will never know how I feel.
Lies-Big Bang
Yeah, love is pain
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours
Lie…
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours
Lie…
A late night and rain falling down.
I bring you back from my memories.
I promised myself I would be fine without you,
but I can’t help it.
I take in liquor which I don’t even know
how to handle trying to fill my empty heart.
A day without you is too long.
I pray that I may please forget you (that’s a lie).
I bring you back from my memories.
I promised myself I would be fine without you,
but I can’t help it.
I take in liquor which I don’t even know
how to handle trying to fill my empty heart.
A day without you is too long.
I pray that I may please forget you (that’s a lie).
Without you happiness cannot be found in me.
I can’t even shed any tears.
I don’t want to live anymore.
I can’t even shed any tears.
I don’t want to live anymore.
Yeah, this is bullshit, it’s pissing me off.
I’m going crazy in thoughts of you.
I want to see you, but I’m being told that I can’t,
that it’s all over (I’ll be right there).
I’m going crazy in thoughts of you.
I want to see you, but I’m being told that I can’t,
that it’s all over (I’ll be right there).
I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt
I dedicated my all into this song
And sung for you
(other people probably don’t know.)
By myself, without anyone knowing.
(yeah, those words I said were lies).
And sung for you
(other people probably don’t know.)
By myself, without anyone knowing.
(yeah, those words I said were lies).
I’ve been left all alone
Keep roaming within the loneliness
The note for break up
Crumpled in my pocket, hey,
(“Where are you” the habit of calling you)
I’m gonna change,
I’ll laugh everything off from now on.
Keep roaming within the loneliness
The note for break up
Crumpled in my pocket, hey,
(“Where are you” the habit of calling you)
I’m gonna change,
I’ll laugh everything off from now on.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt
Oh oh oh oh oh,
I hope this is all a dream.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
because I only add up to this much.
I hope this is all a dream.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
because I only add up to this much.
Drop that babe,
I still can’t forget you.
No I don’t think I ever will,
even ’til the day I die, yeah.
Did the scars I gave you heal?
I’m sorry because I never got to do anything for you.
No I don’t think I ever will,
even ’til the day I die, yeah.
Did the scars I gave you heal?
I’m sorry because I never got to do anything for you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt
♥
Yeah, love is pain
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Late Night Thoughts
I banish the thoughts of you that creep into my mind with songs in my head and a good measure of a song that reminds me of the way that I felt. Everything was like fireworks, it sparkled and as soon as the beauty of it faded, it burn out and fizzled just like how the relationship went.
Everything felt amazing and great in that moment, It wasn't until I realised how I left a piece of myself behind that it felt broken. "If you walk out that door, everything will change. Don't ever think you can come back", that was the line said to me but do you know what I still remember hearing? The sound of my back slamming against the door as you pushed me against it, the sound your hand made gripping my arm so hard to prevent me from leaving. The grip that left me with such beautiful bruises.
But then again, scars and bruises fade but yet the ache in my heart doesn't. I will forever be left traumatised and scared of fully immersing myself in love. I love but cautiously and always with one part of me out of it. I tend to want to run when fights occur only because I am so scared of what happened in the past will happen again.
I should have never given myself up to you but then again, I was naively in love and sometimes, love makes everyone do foolish things that they would never do if they were thinking logically or had a chance to step back and think wisely. But if love was wise then no one would ever be impulsive. Love feels like you drank a little too much and as you are sobering up, you drink up again which becomes a never ending cycle.
You might never read this and even if you do, I hope you will not flatter yourself by thinking I'm still not over you. I'm over you, I'm just hurting from what you put me through which has left me with thoughts that should be banished from my head.
Everything felt amazing and great in that moment, It wasn't until I realised how I left a piece of myself behind that it felt broken. "If you walk out that door, everything will change. Don't ever think you can come back", that was the line said to me but do you know what I still remember hearing? The sound of my back slamming against the door as you pushed me against it, the sound your hand made gripping my arm so hard to prevent me from leaving. The grip that left me with such beautiful bruises.
But then again, scars and bruises fade but yet the ache in my heart doesn't. I will forever be left traumatised and scared of fully immersing myself in love. I love but cautiously and always with one part of me out of it. I tend to want to run when fights occur only because I am so scared of what happened in the past will happen again.
I should have never given myself up to you but then again, I was naively in love and sometimes, love makes everyone do foolish things that they would never do if they were thinking logically or had a chance to step back and think wisely. But if love was wise then no one would ever be impulsive. Love feels like you drank a little too much and as you are sobering up, you drink up again which becomes a never ending cycle.
You might never read this and even if you do, I hope you will not flatter yourself by thinking I'm still not over you. I'm over you, I'm just hurting from what you put me through which has left me with thoughts that should be banished from my head.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Linger
In almost an instant you can forget about the past if only you could let it go. But how could you let go the very thing that makes you who you are today? The very thing that allows you to step backwards instead of leaning forward and falling totally immersed into it?
Letting it go, that seems very easy. You packed up everything, you threw everything out. You took that one last photo but how can you rip out that memory in your heart? How can you forget how much those bruises hurt? How can you forget how much it hurt for you to receive that first ever slap on your cheek? How can you forget the sound that the door made when your back slammed against it when you were thrown against it?
You can't even remember the good days anymore, all you know is the scars and bruises that were left on you have faded but the feelings that were left in your heart still remain there. You can still hear the screams and shouts some days in your head. You can still hear the I love yous and that I won't do it again if you don't anger me again.
You smirk at yourself thinking how you should have left but you didn't. Even if you had left earlier, would it have made a difference? You gave up that one thing that truly belonged to you even though it was not deserved by that person. In hindsight, maybe you only hung on for so long because you wanted or rather needed someone to save you.
When no one saved you, it took an accident to wake you up. When no one came to your rescue despite the obvious signs, it took a wreckage to help you out of everything. You rescued yourself out of it but are you ever really cured from it? Who even knows? Do you still love the same way? You don't even know yourself. Do you still have those lingering feelings? Maybe yes, maybe no but the only person who can answer is yourself and yet you wake up another day trying to put it behind you and yet it will never really go away.
Letting it go, that seems very easy. You packed up everything, you threw everything out. You took that one last photo but how can you rip out that memory in your heart? How can you forget how much those bruises hurt? How can you forget how much it hurt for you to receive that first ever slap on your cheek? How can you forget the sound that the door made when your back slammed against it when you were thrown against it?
You can't even remember the good days anymore, all you know is the scars and bruises that were left on you have faded but the feelings that were left in your heart still remain there. You can still hear the screams and shouts some days in your head. You can still hear the I love yous and that I won't do it again if you don't anger me again.
You smirk at yourself thinking how you should have left but you didn't. Even if you had left earlier, would it have made a difference? You gave up that one thing that truly belonged to you even though it was not deserved by that person. In hindsight, maybe you only hung on for so long because you wanted or rather needed someone to save you.
When no one saved you, it took an accident to wake you up. When no one came to your rescue despite the obvious signs, it took a wreckage to help you out of everything. You rescued yourself out of it but are you ever really cured from it? Who even knows? Do you still love the same way? You don't even know yourself. Do you still have those lingering feelings? Maybe yes, maybe no but the only person who can answer is yourself and yet you wake up another day trying to put it behind you and yet it will never really go away.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Infinite
*Possibly fiction
It was short but during that short period, I felt infinite. I felt like I could do anything, I felt like maybe I could finally stop, finally stop trying to find anything to numb up that pain. That pain which I couldn't explain. When I was with you, it felt like time stopped and it was only us. It felt like we could go against the world if we wanted to but I guess only I wanted to.
You made me feel beautiful, you made me felt like I was worthy to be loved despite all of the scars all along my wrists and the bruises left imprinted on my knuckles. You made me felt like I was the only princess in your eyes. You made me want to freeze time so that we would never move on from that moment.
That moment when we first held hands in your car, the moment you kissed me back when I kissed you for the first time, the moment that you held me so tight almost like you were holding me for the last time which I later knew it was the last. Love that was so perfect that it was so imperfect to shatter and break.
Some people say if you knew someone for almost 7 years, it is like a lifetime friendship, we knew each other for ten years back then. Will we ever move back to those days? I don't think we ever will but that short period of time was when I felt most joy and yet that short period of time is also what gives me the most hurt.
I keep my distance only because you can't tell me the truth. We are no longer teenagers and a young adult but yet when we speak, it felt like we went back in time. Will you ever tell me why you left me? You said your reasons but it did not feel real at all. It felt surreal, I heard your piece but I couldn't believe it.
Infinite, that's what you made me feel. Beautiful, that's what you made me feel. Numb, that's what you made me feel but ultimately pain is what you made me feel.
It was short but during that short period, I felt infinite. I felt like I could do anything, I felt like maybe I could finally stop, finally stop trying to find anything to numb up that pain. That pain which I couldn't explain. When I was with you, it felt like time stopped and it was only us. It felt like we could go against the world if we wanted to but I guess only I wanted to.
You made me feel beautiful, you made me felt like I was worthy to be loved despite all of the scars all along my wrists and the bruises left imprinted on my knuckles. You made me felt like I was the only princess in your eyes. You made me want to freeze time so that we would never move on from that moment.
That moment when we first held hands in your car, the moment you kissed me back when I kissed you for the first time, the moment that you held me so tight almost like you were holding me for the last time which I later knew it was the last. Love that was so perfect that it was so imperfect to shatter and break.
Some people say if you knew someone for almost 7 years, it is like a lifetime friendship, we knew each other for ten years back then. Will we ever move back to those days? I don't think we ever will but that short period of time was when I felt most joy and yet that short period of time is also what gives me the most hurt.
I keep my distance only because you can't tell me the truth. We are no longer teenagers and a young adult but yet when we speak, it felt like we went back in time. Will you ever tell me why you left me? You said your reasons but it did not feel real at all. It felt surreal, I heard your piece but I couldn't believe it.
Infinite, that's what you made me feel. Beautiful, that's what you made me feel. Numb, that's what you made me feel but ultimately pain is what you made me feel.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Suffocation Thoughts
Somehow I feel that I have one foot stuck in the past and I don't know why. These days, my dreams have been weird and I keep dreaming of people in my past and in my present but in an alternate reality and life. Signs probably? I do not know...all I know is that I hurt when I wake up after these dreams because it felt so real and so close but yet when I wake up to my own reality, it hurts to know that the dream never existed.
Am I not letting go of something in the past? I do not know, I have questions in my mind that I know that will never be answered but yet I'm not satisfied. I still want an answer at the end of the day. I guess curiosity really killed the cat but yet I still can't help but pick at it. It's like picking a scab and revealing the wound that stings but it feels good to do so.
Some days I do wonder if I had made a different decision, would things have gone down the same path? Too many thoughts swirling in my mind and yet I can't make sense of it all. There's always that one person who you will say yes to in a heartbeat if they would take you back but you know that will never happen.
There's always that one person who you know have lingering feelings for you and you for that person but circumstances have driven any chances to be together apart. I think there's nothing more hurting than to hear that you are the perfect person for that guy/girl except for a mistake you made that you can't erase or turn back.
It feels like you reach a 99% of a download but it failed at that final one percent. Relationships and friendships are such a blur in the lines sometimes that you do not even know if you overstep any boundaries. No, i'm not drunk. I'm very sober, probably messed up by medication but these thoughts have been swirling in my head and I just need to let it out before I choke and suffocate on it.
Am I not letting go of something in the past? I do not know, I have questions in my mind that I know that will never be answered but yet I'm not satisfied. I still want an answer at the end of the day. I guess curiosity really killed the cat but yet I still can't help but pick at it. It's like picking a scab and revealing the wound that stings but it feels good to do so.
Some days I do wonder if I had made a different decision, would things have gone down the same path? Too many thoughts swirling in my mind and yet I can't make sense of it all. There's always that one person who you will say yes to in a heartbeat if they would take you back but you know that will never happen.
There's always that one person who you know have lingering feelings for you and you for that person but circumstances have driven any chances to be together apart. I think there's nothing more hurting than to hear that you are the perfect person for that guy/girl except for a mistake you made that you can't erase or turn back.
It feels like you reach a 99% of a download but it failed at that final one percent. Relationships and friendships are such a blur in the lines sometimes that you do not even know if you overstep any boundaries. No, i'm not drunk. I'm very sober, probably messed up by medication but these thoughts have been swirling in my head and I just need to let it out before I choke and suffocate on it.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Past Loves, Closeness, Friendships
Come to realize something awkward yet at the same time comfortable. All of my close guy friends other than my two college mates are somehow an ex crush or an ex. Maybe because of the sense of closeness? I don't know, after all KZ did say he does not believe in best girl friend or best guy friend and that your best friend who is the opposite sex should be your significant other.
I do agree with him but yet sometimes certain things are just too awkward to say, maybe its not so awkward to speak about it to an ex crush or an ex because you know the fire isn't there anymore and I could actually even joke around about the past. I spoke to both M.G and K.Z last night and the topics came to relationships which both of them agreed that maybe why they didn't take me on back then was because of the fact that either they didn't feel ready enough to commit or like KZ said, he wants to have a significant other who is a best friend too and I wasn't that.
With M.G, we got closer after my break up with my past love, he knew of what happened. He was there to see me through everything, to lend a shoulder to lean on or even just a listening ear for my sobs and cries. Over the years, we may go through months without talking to each other but I can just pick up my phone, call him and he will be there to listen just like time stopped.
I will admit this, we had great chemistry, we laughed together and got each other's sarcasm in sync but the things that stopped us from moving forward was of a certain thing I did with my past love and he liked me a lot but that became a barrier even though he felt like I was his perfect girl. Did he find someone after me? Nope but he did say that even though he feels lonely, he feels he is unable to give such commitment and time which I perfectly understand.
We actually half laughed when I brought up that I gave him a chance but he said no. I guess sometimes you do have what ifs and second thoughts. After all, I'm turning 25 next year and that would mean that me & WH would have been together for 4 years plus. How many couples you find these days that last in their relationship throughout the whole early twenties?
As for KZ, I was 13 when I loved him and I use the word love instead of crush was because without him being there, I would have suffocated. High school was not easy for me, it was trying times. He helped me through without even knowing it but like I said, I was not the one who would be his best friend and significant other. Out of everyone, I think he let me down the gentlest of which I will be grateful.
S was an ex, but more than that, he was like another brother to me and we knew each other for 10 years because I made that mistake to try to push things further. We were only together for 3 weeks but he will forever remain the one who got away. He was the one there for me through everything though I must admit I feel that we never really got any closures. It was such a sudden breakup and sudden makeup to being friends due to the fact that he is a family friend that we never really brought it up since. How do you bring up something that happened 7 years ago? It is extremely awkward.
I have no issues calling up KZ or M.G every few months but when it comes to S, I can't even bring myself to go to his name in my phone and press the call button. Maybe someday I will but not now especially since we have not spoken to each other personally in more than a year. Some of you might say that all these is being so unfair to WH and I would agree but do know where I'm coming from. When I love or like someone, I put my heart into it and when I let someone get close into my heart, it takes a strong betrayal for me to forget about having them in my life.
Even despite the fact that my past love supposedly cheated and even took hits at me, I can't bring myself to hate him because people change and circumstances change hence it is really hard to even try to put myself to hate anyone.
I just decided to ramble today as these thoughts been swirling in my head and I needed somewhere to put them down. Maybe I'll write again soon...
I do agree with him but yet sometimes certain things are just too awkward to say, maybe its not so awkward to speak about it to an ex crush or an ex because you know the fire isn't there anymore and I could actually even joke around about the past. I spoke to both M.G and K.Z last night and the topics came to relationships which both of them agreed that maybe why they didn't take me on back then was because of the fact that either they didn't feel ready enough to commit or like KZ said, he wants to have a significant other who is a best friend too and I wasn't that.
With M.G, we got closer after my break up with my past love, he knew of what happened. He was there to see me through everything, to lend a shoulder to lean on or even just a listening ear for my sobs and cries. Over the years, we may go through months without talking to each other but I can just pick up my phone, call him and he will be there to listen just like time stopped.
I will admit this, we had great chemistry, we laughed together and got each other's sarcasm in sync but the things that stopped us from moving forward was of a certain thing I did with my past love and he liked me a lot but that became a barrier even though he felt like I was his perfect girl. Did he find someone after me? Nope but he did say that even though he feels lonely, he feels he is unable to give such commitment and time which I perfectly understand.
We actually half laughed when I brought up that I gave him a chance but he said no. I guess sometimes you do have what ifs and second thoughts. After all, I'm turning 25 next year and that would mean that me & WH would have been together for 4 years plus. How many couples you find these days that last in their relationship throughout the whole early twenties?
As for KZ, I was 13 when I loved him and I use the word love instead of crush was because without him being there, I would have suffocated. High school was not easy for me, it was trying times. He helped me through without even knowing it but like I said, I was not the one who would be his best friend and significant other. Out of everyone, I think he let me down the gentlest of which I will be grateful.
S was an ex, but more than that, he was like another brother to me and we knew each other for 10 years because I made that mistake to try to push things further. We were only together for 3 weeks but he will forever remain the one who got away. He was the one there for me through everything though I must admit I feel that we never really got any closures. It was such a sudden breakup and sudden makeup to being friends due to the fact that he is a family friend that we never really brought it up since. How do you bring up something that happened 7 years ago? It is extremely awkward.
I have no issues calling up KZ or M.G every few months but when it comes to S, I can't even bring myself to go to his name in my phone and press the call button. Maybe someday I will but not now especially since we have not spoken to each other personally in more than a year. Some of you might say that all these is being so unfair to WH and I would agree but do know where I'm coming from. When I love or like someone, I put my heart into it and when I let someone get close into my heart, it takes a strong betrayal for me to forget about having them in my life.
Even despite the fact that my past love supposedly cheated and even took hits at me, I can't bring myself to hate him because people change and circumstances change hence it is really hard to even try to put myself to hate anyone.
I just decided to ramble today as these thoughts been swirling in my head and I needed somewhere to put them down. Maybe I'll write again soon...
Thursday, October 30, 2014
The Last Time
Dear you who I once called my love,
I can't write as eloquent as Taylor Swift neither could I write a tearjerker like John Green but I guess I'm here to pen what could be possibly my last "love letter" to you. It has been about 4 years and 5 months, I guess? To the public and to the world, that was probably the last time we spoke. Little did they know about close to a year after everything had happened, we stumbled upon each's other paths and did speak although you said you did not know me.
I guess that was what hurt the most. It wasn't the fact that our relationship was abusive, it was the fact that after all that had happened, you could act like you don't know me. All I remember feeling was numb. Numb to the point that it took me awhile to react. I did not know whether to slap you and move on or just hand you back your keys and walk away. I did the latter but yet I still wish I had slapped you. If only to satisfy that stabbing feeling you left me.
We were together only for about 10 months. It wasn't very long neither was it very short. I do wish you were not the first because I regret it. I do not regret the time we spent together because I grew up from it but I do regret that I had thought you were going to be my fairy-tale ending. I ignored everyone when they tried to warn me against you but well, who was I to know that they were right.
I was in love and that was all I saw in you, love and goodness despite the fact that my anxious feelings tried to warn me from falling too hard. I didn't fall gradually, I fell hard and fast. Almost like a descending roller coaster ride that just kept going around in loops. Eventually when everything ended, it felt like a car crash because it happened so fast that we had no control over it.
All you had to do was prove that you would stay. But you couldn't cause you wouldn't. Even when you were with me, you were already looking for the next one. Even when we had commitment rings. Even when we had talked about marriage. Even when you were my first. Despite everything, I still held hope in you. I guess that was what made me stay even when you hit me and never stopped despite all of your promises.
I had the biggest faith and hope that you would change but that never came to be. At least not with me. Even after everything, I still wish you well and will not turn the other way if I saw you on the street. Although you would act like you don't know me and I have thrown out most things from back then, I kept the pictures to remind myself that out of those 10 short/long months we spent together, we did love each other at least at one point of time.
I fear that if I delete even the pictures, that would really erase the ten months that has impacted my life as a whole. Ten months is about the time that a new baby would be formed and come as a whole new life. I would consider those ten months I spent with you as being formed into a new person. I won't say that I'm completely over everything because how do you forget your first without carrying an essence of what happened over into the present.
As Miss Taylor Swift put it, I knew you were trouble but I did not care and still got tangled up in everything. The last time we ever spoke, you acted like you never knew me. Maybe you didn't because that was the new me, the stronger me, the me who would never let you walk all over me again. Like I said, this is probably the last "love letter" I will write addressing to you because it has been over four years and while my feelings will never really let go because you were my first, I think its time to say my peace and maybe someday, somehow you will acknowledge that you once knew me because when things were good, it was good.
Goodbye from someone you once called your love.
I can't write as eloquent as Taylor Swift neither could I write a tearjerker like John Green but I guess I'm here to pen what could be possibly my last "love letter" to you. It has been about 4 years and 5 months, I guess? To the public and to the world, that was probably the last time we spoke. Little did they know about close to a year after everything had happened, we stumbled upon each's other paths and did speak although you said you did not know me.
I guess that was what hurt the most. It wasn't the fact that our relationship was abusive, it was the fact that after all that had happened, you could act like you don't know me. All I remember feeling was numb. Numb to the point that it took me awhile to react. I did not know whether to slap you and move on or just hand you back your keys and walk away. I did the latter but yet I still wish I had slapped you. If only to satisfy that stabbing feeling you left me.
We were together only for about 10 months. It wasn't very long neither was it very short. I do wish you were not the first because I regret it. I do not regret the time we spent together because I grew up from it but I do regret that I had thought you were going to be my fairy-tale ending. I ignored everyone when they tried to warn me against you but well, who was I to know that they were right.
I was in love and that was all I saw in you, love and goodness despite the fact that my anxious feelings tried to warn me from falling too hard. I didn't fall gradually, I fell hard and fast. Almost like a descending roller coaster ride that just kept going around in loops. Eventually when everything ended, it felt like a car crash because it happened so fast that we had no control over it.
All you had to do was prove that you would stay. But you couldn't cause you wouldn't. Even when you were with me, you were already looking for the next one. Even when we had commitment rings. Even when we had talked about marriage. Even when you were my first. Despite everything, I still held hope in you. I guess that was what made me stay even when you hit me and never stopped despite all of your promises.
I had the biggest faith and hope that you would change but that never came to be. At least not with me. Even after everything, I still wish you well and will not turn the other way if I saw you on the street. Although you would act like you don't know me and I have thrown out most things from back then, I kept the pictures to remind myself that out of those 10 short/long months we spent together, we did love each other at least at one point of time.
I fear that if I delete even the pictures, that would really erase the ten months that has impacted my life as a whole. Ten months is about the time that a new baby would be formed and come as a whole new life. I would consider those ten months I spent with you as being formed into a new person. I won't say that I'm completely over everything because how do you forget your first without carrying an essence of what happened over into the present.
As Miss Taylor Swift put it, I knew you were trouble but I did not care and still got tangled up in everything. The last time we ever spoke, you acted like you never knew me. Maybe you didn't because that was the new me, the stronger me, the me who would never let you walk all over me again. Like I said, this is probably the last "love letter" I will write addressing to you because it has been over four years and while my feelings will never really let go because you were my first, I think its time to say my peace and maybe someday, somehow you will acknowledge that you once knew me because when things were good, it was good.
Goodbye from someone you once called your love.
Monday, July 28, 2014
I Did Wrong
They say time heals all wounds but does it really? Every time I see something that reminds me of you, it hurts. Every time I hear a song that reminds me of you, it hurts. Every time I hear a song that is in a different language and when I look up the translation of the lyrics and it relates to our past situation, it hurts.
I honestly wish I don't feel this way. I am very happy and contented in my current relationship but I think you broke all innocence and pure trust I had in love and relationships. I gave it my all but you never did but still I kept coming back to you and until this day, I still do not understand why I did so.
Everyone said you were not worth it, even when the scars and bruises were on me, I still kept trying, I still believed even though it was clear to everyone and probably even me that it was a false hope from the start of everything.
I heard everything, I read everything, I saw everything but yet I still wanted to believe that maybe I could be the one to change you...but unfortunately that was not the case. I still don't understand why my heart still aches and hurts whenever you do come into my mind.
I am over you but I think the scar you left in my heart was deeper than the bruises and scars you left on my physical body. We had our good days but we had our really awful screaming at each other and slamming each other against walls days.
Sometimes I wish things didn't end as bad as it did but it did happen that way. We never truly said any goodbyes because I think we both knew that there will never ever be a proper closure between us despite how much I wish for it.
All I can do is wish you well despite all that happened between us and even despite the dull pain and ache you left me with whenever I do recall you.
Maybe someday I will be able to recall you without feeling this way but at this point four years on, I can safely say I am unable to do so at this point.
You will probably never read this but if you ever do, just know that I did mean those 3 words back then but everything changed on 29th May 2010.
I honestly wish I don't feel this way. I am very happy and contented in my current relationship but I think you broke all innocence and pure trust I had in love and relationships. I gave it my all but you never did but still I kept coming back to you and until this day, I still do not understand why I did so.
Everyone said you were not worth it, even when the scars and bruises were on me, I still kept trying, I still believed even though it was clear to everyone and probably even me that it was a false hope from the start of everything.
I heard everything, I read everything, I saw everything but yet I still wanted to believe that maybe I could be the one to change you...but unfortunately that was not the case. I still don't understand why my heart still aches and hurts whenever you do come into my mind.
I am over you but I think the scar you left in my heart was deeper than the bruises and scars you left on my physical body. We had our good days but we had our really awful screaming at each other and slamming each other against walls days.
Sometimes I wish things didn't end as bad as it did but it did happen that way. We never truly said any goodbyes because I think we both knew that there will never ever be a proper closure between us despite how much I wish for it.
All I can do is wish you well despite all that happened between us and even despite the dull pain and ache you left me with whenever I do recall you.
Maybe someday I will be able to recall you without feeling this way but at this point four years on, I can safely say I am unable to do so at this point.
You will probably never read this but if you ever do, just know that I did mean those 3 words back then but everything changed on 29th May 2010.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Crush Risk
“A crush is just a crush until you act upon it ”
Crushing on someone when you know that you can never act on it is hard. It's even harder if you are in a place that you feel lonely & yet the person you click so well with is that same person that you have a crush on.
Unlike normal crushes, you cannot even let any feeling show cause you can't act upon it. A crush is supposed to be just crush but yet sometimes it's hard to not do anything.
Your heart skips a beat when it shouldn't. Your thoughts goes towards that person when you shouldn't. You can never take that risk of acting upon your feelings because everything you know might just crumble.
You know that it will never be permanent if you act upon it but sometimes when you are lonely, crazy thoughts come into your head. You are so afraid of getting too clingy or close that the person avoids you but you can't help doing so. It's almost as though you are in a trance.
You laugh, you smile, your heart skips a beat. You know you are playing with fire but you cannot help it.This fire will burn you & consume you & destroy everything that you know & feel if you go any further but yet danger seems tempting.
How do you even put a limit or even know a limit? The limit is set by you & that other person. You can't help who you are attracted but you can help by not head butting into danger zone. Sometimes you lose all sense & logic but then again when did feelings ever have logic?
“Rule by your heart but act by your brain ”
P/S I wrote this originally on my Dayre but decided to copy and share it here.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Where's The Limit?
How do you glide that line of being just friends and being friends with a slight limit?
That is a question that I tend to ask myself. I have always been closer to guys that for me, I never seem to really know what is the limit.
I have a bad habit of flirting unconsciously and sending out wrong signals without being aware of it. When I was single, people used to think I have several boyfriends because I can be asking my guy friends to give me a piggyback, a lift to places i need to be, having meals with me when i'm alone and even leaning on them when i am tired.
I have to admit that even in a relationship, the limit lines goes a bit blurry that i wasn't aware i sent out wrong signals and an unwanted kiss almost happened three years ago.
How do you know the limit? Sometimes there are just people you just really have that connection with and can continue talking with them till the end of the day and sometimes there are just people who still makes you feel that your heart skips a beat when you speak to them although you are in a relationship so how do you put a limit with the interaction?
Random thoughts on a Sunday night.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The Past Surfaces
Sorry for the long absence, I have started working a full time job since June hence I've been busy.
I can't really disclose the nature of my job but I am not a journalist but slightly still in the media side of things.
Anyway, I am back because my head feels a little messed up.
Someone from my past has surfaced. Someone who broke my heart real bad 7 years ago but we left it as it is, we never resolved it but we just swept it under the carpet and ignore the giant elephant in the room.
I am meeting up with that someone soon and let's just say I feel more nervous than I have ever been...We met up once 4 years ago with a friend of mine but let's just put it that it was real awkward since my friend was there.
WH knows of the past I have with this person and the fact that I am meeting with this person alone. I guess it's time to solve it once and for all?
You may be surprised, I did not initiate the meeting. This person did. Over the past 7 years, I have to admit that there have been times that I do wonder what will happen if we resolve this giant elephant but some days i would rather not think about it.
Whenever this person's nickname creeps up ( i nicknamed him after an actor so naturally it would happen), obviously thoughts of him have crossed my mind. You know what is the worst part? We were never ever together (yes I said it right) because after I confessed to him and he agreed to be with me,he had a thought over the weekend and took it back the following monday.
Rejection stinks already but delayed rejection? well that didn't go down well at all...I was 16 when all this went down. I wasn't exactly naive however I was less jaded about love and relationships back then.
Needless to say, this person have the same effect on me like KZ has on me. KZ makes me feel like I'm 13 all over again whenever i talk to him but this person makes me feel like I'm 16 and feeling the heartbreak all over again. It is a bitter-sweet feeling cause he was my counsellor and good friend as well before that. After everything that went down, things were just different between us.
I guess the worst part is that the heartbreak affected me so badly that I actually blocked out my reaction to the delayed rejection and the events that followed subsequently. I had to read my old journal (haven't written in one for a long time) the other day to realise that I actually had a real bad reaction and trauma to the heartbreak that I actually didn't even register it into my long term memories.
I guess our memories plays tricks on us. Well, that's all,I guess. I don't know what will happen when we meet and I don't know if we will ever resolve this giant elephant but I wish I could stop feeling the heartbreak and the feeling like I'm 16 all over again.
I can't really disclose the nature of my job but I am not a journalist but slightly still in the media side of things.
Anyway, I am back because my head feels a little messed up.
Someone from my past has surfaced. Someone who broke my heart real bad 7 years ago but we left it as it is, we never resolved it but we just swept it under the carpet and ignore the giant elephant in the room.
I am meeting up with that someone soon and let's just say I feel more nervous than I have ever been...We met up once 4 years ago with a friend of mine but let's just put it that it was real awkward since my friend was there.
WH knows of the past I have with this person and the fact that I am meeting with this person alone. I guess it's time to solve it once and for all?
You may be surprised, I did not initiate the meeting. This person did. Over the past 7 years, I have to admit that there have been times that I do wonder what will happen if we resolve this giant elephant but some days i would rather not think about it.
Whenever this person's nickname creeps up ( i nicknamed him after an actor so naturally it would happen), obviously thoughts of him have crossed my mind. You know what is the worst part? We were never ever together (yes I said it right) because after I confessed to him and he agreed to be with me,he had a thought over the weekend and took it back the following monday.
Rejection stinks already but delayed rejection? well that didn't go down well at all...I was 16 when all this went down. I wasn't exactly naive however I was less jaded about love and relationships back then.
Needless to say, this person have the same effect on me like KZ has on me. KZ makes me feel like I'm 13 all over again whenever i talk to him but this person makes me feel like I'm 16 and feeling the heartbreak all over again. It is a bitter-sweet feeling cause he was my counsellor and good friend as well before that. After everything that went down, things were just different between us.
I guess the worst part is that the heartbreak affected me so badly that I actually blocked out my reaction to the delayed rejection and the events that followed subsequently. I had to read my old journal (haven't written in one for a long time) the other day to realise that I actually had a real bad reaction and trauma to the heartbreak that I actually didn't even register it into my long term memories.
I guess our memories plays tricks on us. Well, that's all,I guess. I don't know what will happen when we meet and I don't know if we will ever resolve this giant elephant but I wish I could stop feeling the heartbreak and the feeling like I'm 16 all over again.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Those High School Years
I have been listening to the new Fall Out Boy album streaming on Youtube and it got me thinking about high school.Whenever i listen to Avril Lavigne,Skye Sweetnam,Paramore,Fall Out Boy,Good Charlotte,Blink-182,Linkin Park,Panic! At The Disco just to name a few,i think about high school.These were the bands that defined my high school years.
Took this during my high school graduation (i was so much skinnier :p)
It doesn't help that i had dreams lately of certain people significant during my high school years and i have been catching up with one of them,let's just call him KZ. Funnily enough,KZ and me actually did not meet in high school,we met when we were both in primary school but we never really got close until high school as he is three years older than me.
Yes, this was how i looked like at 17...
But one thing about KZ is that no matter how long we have not talked to each other,whenever he picks up the phone or calls me back,he just goes "hey,how's it going?" as though we just spoke yesterday or the day before.There's no such thing as awkward silences between us somehow which is ironic considering i actually had the biggest crush on him when i was 13 but he being him let me down nicely and somehow over the years,we just managed to maintain this odd yet comfortable friendship.
Yes i was the rebel,i tried burning stuff with the Bunsen burner and got my friend to take pictures of me with my cellphone and i did not tie my hair up although i had been asked to do so a lot of times by many prefects
I spoke to him couple of days back after not calling him for like almost 3 years? (yes,i know i'm not a very good friend) and i thought it would be like totally awkward however he just made it so easy to talk and spill everything to him.
I'm sure some of you do wonder if WH is comfortable with all this going on,let's just say he's not super comfortable but we kind of agreed to compromise in the sense that i will meet KZ with him and he gets to know KZ and hopefully find that KZ is a pretty ok guy.
Evidence of me sleeping in class
The thing is that i hope it won't be awkward as i have not seen KZ at all for like 8-9 years now (we just didn't seem to meet up after he left high school,we talked over the phone and stuff and kept saying we should meet up but somehow,i don't know why,we never seem to actually meet)
Yes,i did not even secretly take pictures with my cellphone,i was openly doing it :P
Anyways,let's get back to the topic at hand,high school.I was most awkward during my high school years (not to say i'm not still awkward now) I had crushes all the time and one of them was on like the most popular cute guy who had a posse of his own which i got bullied from,i even had them spitting ice at me before,teasing me from three floors above among other stuff they did...needless to say,not memories i like to remember.
Yes,i even camwhored in class
I was the rebel,i got into fights (yes,i punched some dude and i got one back on my face),i picked fights with the seniors,i slept in class and ate in class like nobody's business.I even skipped classes by hiding in my junior's class.The only skipping i never did was actually to climb the wall and jump out of school although i was tempted to do so :P
I even brought illegal items to school like mp3 player and my cell phone.I was lucky to have the thin Motorola phone that i could hide in my shoe however it got confiscated once and i had to ask my mum to lie to the school and get it back for me...those were the days in high school.
Come to think of it,i have always been a rebel even in primary school.I actually went and chased after seniors who were like standard 5 or 6 when i was in standard 3 if they teased my girls and i actually threatened to beat them up.imagine a pint sized little girl threatening the seniors which are guys.If i'm not mistaken,that was actually how KZ got to know me cause i remember him coming up to me when i was waiting for my mum and asked if i was that tiny little girl who he heard about going after the seniors and threatening them.
I was the rebel to wear my checkered Vans shoes to a school outing with my school uniform and even camwhored in the bathroom and made others wait for me :P
That's a funny memory actually,i do wonder if he remembers that.Well,i guess i'm still a little like that.I can never stand it if people trash my friends and i would stand up to them no matter how small size i am compared to those people.
And here i am going off topic again but that is also like me during high school,i can never stay focused in class,i was always daydreaming or writing stories and fanfictions or better yet,i was sleeping @-@ Needless to say,i wasn't exactly the teacher's pet except the English teachers.
Once in awhile,i do miss high school.It felt complicated when i was going through it but right now compared to everything else,it was my most memorable years.Of course,it doesn't help that whenever i talk to KZ or any of the boys i knew during my high school years,i feel that age again.That innocence,that rebelling person.
KZ makes me feel like i'm 13 again and admiring him for being more mature and knowing just how to advice me and Ryo makes me feel like i'm 16-17 again and hanging out with him in his class and not getting caught for cutting class since teachers will not bother looking for me in a junior's class.Whenever i do somehow think about Shawn Yue,i feel 16 and feel that heartbreak all over again (it's a too long story that i do not wish to expand but i confessed to him,he said ok then later he took it back,well i felt like he ripped my heart out and let's just say his name filled a lot of pages in my journal back then)
I do miss high school and even though i'm going to turn 23 next month,i never feel much older actually and quoting Avril Lavigne, here's to never growing up
Took this during my high school graduation (i was so much skinnier :p)
It doesn't help that i had dreams lately of certain people significant during my high school years and i have been catching up with one of them,let's just call him KZ. Funnily enough,KZ and me actually did not meet in high school,we met when we were both in primary school but we never really got close until high school as he is three years older than me.
Yes, this was how i looked like at 17...
But one thing about KZ is that no matter how long we have not talked to each other,whenever he picks up the phone or calls me back,he just goes "hey,how's it going?" as though we just spoke yesterday or the day before.There's no such thing as awkward silences between us somehow which is ironic considering i actually had the biggest crush on him when i was 13 but he being him let me down nicely and somehow over the years,we just managed to maintain this odd yet comfortable friendship.
Yes i was the rebel,i tried burning stuff with the Bunsen burner and got my friend to take pictures of me with my cellphone and i did not tie my hair up although i had been asked to do so a lot of times by many prefects
I spoke to him couple of days back after not calling him for like almost 3 years? (yes,i know i'm not a very good friend) and i thought it would be like totally awkward however he just made it so easy to talk and spill everything to him.
I'm sure some of you do wonder if WH is comfortable with all this going on,let's just say he's not super comfortable but we kind of agreed to compromise in the sense that i will meet KZ with him and he gets to know KZ and hopefully find that KZ is a pretty ok guy.
Evidence of me sleeping in class
The thing is that i hope it won't be awkward as i have not seen KZ at all for like 8-9 years now (we just didn't seem to meet up after he left high school,we talked over the phone and stuff and kept saying we should meet up but somehow,i don't know why,we never seem to actually meet)
Yes,i did not even secretly take pictures with my cellphone,i was openly doing it :P
Anyways,let's get back to the topic at hand,high school.I was most awkward during my high school years (not to say i'm not still awkward now) I had crushes all the time and one of them was on like the most popular cute guy who had a posse of his own which i got bullied from,i even had them spitting ice at me before,teasing me from three floors above among other stuff they did...needless to say,not memories i like to remember.
Yes,i even camwhored in class
I was the rebel,i got into fights (yes,i punched some dude and i got one back on my face),i picked fights with the seniors,i slept in class and ate in class like nobody's business.I even skipped classes by hiding in my junior's class.The only skipping i never did was actually to climb the wall and jump out of school although i was tempted to do so :P
I even brought illegal items to school like mp3 player and my cell phone.I was lucky to have the thin Motorola phone that i could hide in my shoe however it got confiscated once and i had to ask my mum to lie to the school and get it back for me...those were the days in high school.
Come to think of it,i have always been a rebel even in primary school.I actually went and chased after seniors who were like standard 5 or 6 when i was in standard 3 if they teased my girls and i actually threatened to beat them up.imagine a pint sized little girl threatening the seniors which are guys.If i'm not mistaken,that was actually how KZ got to know me cause i remember him coming up to me when i was waiting for my mum and asked if i was that tiny little girl who he heard about going after the seniors and threatening them.
I was the rebel to wear my checkered Vans shoes to a school outing with my school uniform and even camwhored in the bathroom and made others wait for me :P
That's a funny memory actually,i do wonder if he remembers that.Well,i guess i'm still a little like that.I can never stand it if people trash my friends and i would stand up to them no matter how small size i am compared to those people.
And here i am going off topic again but that is also like me during high school,i can never stay focused in class,i was always daydreaming or writing stories and fanfictions or better yet,i was sleeping @-@ Needless to say,i wasn't exactly the teacher's pet except the English teachers.
Once in awhile,i do miss high school.It felt complicated when i was going through it but right now compared to everything else,it was my most memorable years.Of course,it doesn't help that whenever i talk to KZ or any of the boys i knew during my high school years,i feel that age again.That innocence,that rebelling person.
KZ makes me feel like i'm 13 again and admiring him for being more mature and knowing just how to advice me and Ryo makes me feel like i'm 16-17 again and hanging out with him in his class and not getting caught for cutting class since teachers will not bother looking for me in a junior's class.Whenever i do somehow think about Shawn Yue,i feel 16 and feel that heartbreak all over again (it's a too long story that i do not wish to expand but i confessed to him,he said ok then later he took it back,well i felt like he ripped my heart out and let's just say his name filled a lot of pages in my journal back then)
I do miss high school and even though i'm going to turn 23 next month,i never feel much older actually and quoting Avril Lavigne, here's to never growing up
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