LP

Perhaps this feeling will never go away, perhaps I will always feel this way. This sense of being lost, lonely, afraid and feeling fake. To the world, I seem happy, strong and have everything I could ever want but when it comes down to what I really feel on the inside, I feel fake and tired.

I try to give everything to all I do but I end up feeling so drained, tired and burnt out. I never feel good enough on anything and why should I? I have always been that girl who is never pretty, never really smart, never really anything. I feel like I always keep up a facade and it gets very tiring. How can I advise others to hang on when I myself find it hard? How can I act like nothing affects me when I myself am faking it to the world.

I admire those who can bravely come out and say what they feel because the moment I do that, I just get a lot of disbelief and judgement. Yeah, how can someone who seems so bubbly and happy feel like she want to die almost everyday right? But that is exactly how I feel. Seeing what happened with Chester Bennington scared me, what if I finally lose my grip one day? What if I can no longer silence those voices in my head? What if one day this sinking feeling really sinks me down?

It's been almost two years since I almost attempted suicide, yup I said it. I almost attempted suicide in November 2015, it was so bad that I can't even remember the date but only the month. I can't even remember what triggered me but all I know is that I felt like I couldn't hang on anymore. Everything seemed like it was collapsing for me, I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt like perhaps ending everything will be my only solution. The thing that stopped me was ironically a Linkin Park song. It was Waiting for the End. I don't know why but somehow that song just triggered me to not go on with my attempt. I lived, cried many many many tears on the drive home. Yup, I actually almost went over a flyover in my attempt. This is my first time ever actually really writing about it and somehow writing about it makes me wonder why. Why is it that I still feel this way two years later? Don't worry, I'm not going to go and drive over some flyover or something. This is not my swan song letter.

I just wish that there's a way to stop these feelings because it is so draining and tiring...

開不了口

I don't know why it took me so long to learn this but a lot of times, the people that you are or were most compatible with will never end up being your end person most of the time. Sometimes it is because you are too compatible that things will just end badly if you ever get together with them or perhaps you never got together with them but you realise it much later.

I knew KZ since I was 9 and he was 12 though we had drifted apart since we were of different schools after that but when I was finally in the same secondary school as him when I was 13 and he was 16 & met back with him, we just clicked or rather he tolerated my little schoolgirl crush. We could and still talk for hours, we can just keep going even if we have not spoken in awhile. Out of all of my crushes and past relationships, he was the one who rejected me the gentlest and trust me, I even had one guy who made sure I was watching him rip apart my valentine's letter and threw it into the trash can in front of me when I was 10.

I always thought that perhaps if KZ had feelings for me then maybe a relationship could work out but somehow it took me 14 years to realise that nope, a relationship could never have worked out because we are way too alike and way too compatible to a point that we would kill ourselves by compromising or fighting each other all the time. However I'm glad to keep him as a friend that I could turn to when I need him. In this day and age of social media, he is someone who don't believe in it hence the phone calls every once in awhile to keep in touch but somehow we have this odd connection and always talk around our birthday months since his birthday is end of April and mine is at the start of May with just 6 days apart of each other. He is someone I would trust with my life and I know he would go to his grave with my deepest secrets and I would do the same for him too.

Someone else who proved me wrong was J. J was one of my worst mistakes and the one that I regretted not keeping the friend zone for. He was my safe person, the person I could turn to if anything happens and I knew he would listen without judging me. I hope I was his safe person too because I would never and still can't judge him for anything despite how much he hurt me back then. He promised me that he would never make me cry and that he would do better than those other guys who had hurt me but guess what, six months down the line, I got dumped through a text message and about 2 or 3 years after that, I had to find out that he regretted our relationship and hated me through a public blog post. We were best friends first and foremost, this was a guy who actually typed out 99 sorry smses (back then no copy and paste function) and sent it to me one by one when he thought he had made me upset but I guess we grew up and he outgrew me. Oh did I mention, he was 2 years younger than me but I still placed my trust in him only to have him shattered it yet I still could never bring myself to actually hate him. I guess a part of me will still always have a good feeling for him somewhere.

M.G is one person that I really wish I could have had a happy ending with but we both know it will never be meant to be. We don't have enough romantic love for each other although platonic love is definitely there. He is the only platonic friend other than Ryo who calls me princess and actually treats me in that way without wanting anything in return. We both knew there were feelings there but as neither of us pursued it, we left it be and became more comfortable in this sense. I sincerely wish that another girl will get the best romantic treatment from him because he deserves that for all of his niceness.

The last person on this list is the one who will never be named but he will know who he is if he ever reads this. Only hints are 17 and 22, high school, Starbucks, car rides, late night talks at a park and 3 weeks. That person broke my heart real bad and it was the person who affected my judging for every single guy after him. Safe to say, only WH has reached close enough to his standard. We never really stayed away from each other cause we can't due to personal reasons but he chose to let things drift apart after the relationship was over. I know he will never admit it but eyes don't lie, I can see how every time we were around each other in between of my relationships, he still has the look of love in his eyes so I get it when he stays away because he is afraid of falling again and losing control like the time he did back then. I will never regret what happened because it needed to happen but I only wished it didn't end so fast because it felt like a fleeting dream which never happened but I knew it happened because of my heart aches whenever I recall the moments back then.

The words penned down here are the feelings I will never be able to actually say to these people but I would like to think that they might know it in one way or another hence the name of my post in Chinese which means can't open my mouth or can't speak.

Hope is Lost

[Disclaimer: All personal opinion]

Something tragic recently happened to a friend of mine. I won't get into it but long story short, she lost her child without a proper reason to it as it was something that medically can't be explained. But what happened after the announcement of the tragedy is what really irked me, upset me plus pissed me off to the point I actually cursed on my social media post which I rarely do so.

There were ignorant people blaming that she may have caused the death and also insensitive people who tried preaching their own beliefs and ideals in the totally wrong timing. Worst still are people who tried to even bring in their own woe is me problems into their comments. My principle is that if you can't say anything nice or even wish just condolences then please shut the fuck up and move along.

I was even more angered when I heard from a friend that she overheard a group of people gossiping about the incident in a cafe and still insinuating that my friend caused everything to happen. My friend loved her baby more than she loved herself, everything she did was so that her child will have a better life than she had. Some people have told me that I'm being too emotional about this but I feel so angry and upset that useless fuckers get away with all these idiotic things that they are saying.

Somehow or other, the story got onto a public forum and rampant accusations are now happening when bulk of these people most likely do not even know her or even met her before. I have always believed that even in the most worst type of people, perhaps there is still sympathy or pity for these kind of cases but seeing the social media comments over the weekend and today on the public forum, I think it's safe to say that this hope and belief is lost to me right now. I have kind of lost my faith in humanity due to this.

I can only pray and hope that my friend is comforted by higher power or God. I can only hope that these people will get what they deserve. All I can feel right now is not even rage, just a deep sense of sadness mixed with anger because there's nothing I can do except to try to type out how I feel although my feelings can't even be explained at all which makes me even more sad because I'm someone who is outside of the situation and I cannot explain how I feel so I cannot even begin to imagine how my friend feels to have her privacy violated, her grief questioned but most of all, to lose her baby with no proper reason which leaves no defense to the stupid disturbing and harassing accusations going around. I wish I came back to this blog on a good note but I needed to type this down to remind myself that sometimes not everyone is good or have a heart.

Stay? I Chose to Let Go

9 years ago, I asked you to stay. You asked me why and I couldn't give you the reason why. But now I realise why, we are soulmates in a very twisted way. We were never meant to be yet we will always be intertwined in one way or another. Our ties can't be severed easily. After that day, everytime we got closer again, you pulled back and distant yourself from me. When I was younger, I was stupid and never realise why you did so.

As I grew older and realised why, the reason hurt me even more. Everytime we got closer, you fell for me again. You tried denying it, you tried saying that the feelings for me have changed but I can tell from the tone of your voice and the look in your eyes. Even from your actions, you now hesitate to be in a place with me all alone, perhaps you are afraid you would lose control like that time we kissed 8 years ago.

We were already broken up by then, I guess I thought in my naive mind that I could change your mind. You returned my kiss, it was not lust but it was more of a regret with a tinge of love. I'm not saying that I would want you at this point in my life but what I'm saying is that I wish you would admit to yourself about your feelings because I still want to be friends but if we are going to keep going round and round in this circle of getting close then getting shoved away with no regards to my feelings then what is the damn point?

Like I said, we are twisted soulmates. Somehow with just a look, we both know the answer and yet at the same time, we are both afraid of mentioning it out loud. I know we will always somehow have love for each other in one way or another. I sometimes wish you were easier to sever ties with but I know deep down inside, I will hurt if we do so.

We once told each other our deepest darkest secrets and fears. We once kissed. We once made a promise that we will be there for each other but as the year is ending, I think I need to start forgetting everything and try to let go. You will always be that twisted soulmate of mine and I, yours but the fate of us ever being together for real is not in our hands. We had more than a "some" relationship, it went deeper than that but to protect my own heart except for that piece that will always be yours, I think I need to first walk away from trying to maintain any kind of friendship with you because it hurts to keep getting close then having you pull away.

Thank you for being there for me, thank you for saving me from my self destruction, thank you for making me believe that it is possible that someone will love me for me but most of all, thank you for making me believe that I was not worthless or tainted because of an arsehole. For that, I will forever be grateful but now it's time to love myself first.

Hence, I will no longer try to approach you first with no reason at all if you do not approach me because it hurts that it seems like I'm the only one interested in maintaining a friendship when it goes both ways. Thank you for everything and may you have the best of luck in all that you do.

Lonely

Writing this down while listening to Nomtom's rendition of Lonely based on his experiences. I relate to it so well, perhaps why I feel like crying every time I listen to it. I smile on the outside, I listen to others telling me their problem, I give advice to them and yet on the inside, I feel dead. Every other day, I look at my scars across my wrists and wonder when will I give in again. It has been 6 years, 6 years since the last time I took a knife across my wrist but yet every time my heart feels all choked up, I am so tempted to grab any sharp object just to inflict pain.

Maybe if it hurt on the outside then it won't hurt so bad on the inside. Although from past experiences, I know that it is not the case. I know this blog is public, I know that people I know may come across this post and think I'm crazy. I sometimes wish I really was then maybe there would be a proper explanation for the way I feel but I know the way I feel is actually an illness. People are usually surprised when I disclose that I do have depression because they look at me as their sunshine, their bubbly person and I do not fit into the depression stereotype but I believe what I have is high functioning depression.

Somehow everything I read about that condition totally fits me. Why I don't go to a doctor? I live in an Asian country, the minute you come clean about experiencing mental illness, everyone looks at you as though you are gonna go crazy and kill them although honestly the only person I'm killing is myself. I have learned to recognize when I'm triggered and I try my best to control but it is really really hard.

I can't honestly say that it gets better because it doesn't, I only learned to control it. I stopped self medication, drinking all of the alcohol just so that I could sleep, cutting but I'm dead on the inside. I suppress how I feel on the inside just so that it doesn't show on the outside but every day it gets a little harder. Some days, I'm so afraid that today will be day that I give up. Sure, there are people I talk to who try to understand and who claims they go through depression too but you can tell that their experience is so different from what I'm facing.

Nomtom's lyrics describes how I feel so well and that is how I'm gonna end this post.

lonely, why does everything I do, end up feeling lonely
am I doing something wrong? Am I turning slowly
into someone I fear , its drawing so near
so guess I have to face the truth and know that I am 
lonely, why does everything I do, ends up leaving slowly?

Moment

I keep reminiscing and coming back here. Mainly because this blog does not contain those moments.
Those moments that I wrote down while crying and had my tears stained the pages.
Those moments which I smiled so much as I wrote things down not wanting to forget how those moments made me felt but who knew that 9 years onward, it is those very moments that I would want to forget and erase.
Those moments which we could just look at each other and knew what the other person was thinking.
Those moments in which silence was comfortable and I felt like I could take on the world as long as I had you by my side.
Those moments that I truly felt loved without having to change myself at all.
Those moments when you took my wrist in your hands and promised me that I would never scar myself again because you would take care of me and not hurt me.
That moment when I realized that everything was just a band-aid and you never meant to heal me because you couldn't heal yourself first.
That moment when I realized that both of us were trying so hard to hang onto something which was never meant to be ours in the first place.
That moment when I realized you did love me back but it is now too late to go back and change everything.
That moment when I realized that even if we could go back, the outcome would have been the same one way or another.
That moment when I realized I will always love you somehow, someway.
That moment when I realized and regret that you will have always have a piece of my heart somehow but your's will never be mine.
That moment which is now that I realize that I should let everything go because if it was meant to be, things would have changed 6 years ago but it never did so this is our fate, to have love and loved but always reminiscing one way or another.

Closure?

And so we met, it felt like all of the other times and yet at the same time, it wasn't the same feeling at all. I guess we all needed time to grow up and confront our deepest feelings and fears. I think that what I feared most was to confirm that nothing in our relationship for that moment was never real and that everything I thought was real wasn't actually.

But I think that you had more fears than me, I think that you feared falling again and so a distance and gap which was never intended was created. I think what I felt sad most was not the fact that you lied but more of how I knew you lied and the fact that you actually still had feelings then for me although I guess both of us know we can never go back to those moments.

We talked and I asked questions, questions which you were obviously hesitant to answer but at the end of the day, you did and I honestly had thought that I would get my closure but ends up, I have more questions in my head than ever before. You knew there was something wrong between me and that arsehole, why did you not rescue me out of it? You knew you broke my heart, why did you not ever address it instead of ignoring the giant elephant in the room? You knew you still loved me so why did you leave me?

I guess I'm just typing these words out here for the sake of typing because I know that it will never reach you and that this will be our swan song letter.

Naivety

I've been reminiscing a lot recently and frankly speaking, I don't even know why. I think about past loves and past relationships and also friendships. There were at least two relationships in which it began from a friendship first. One of them acts like we never knew each other at all and the other keeps a distance from me as of this moment.

Perhaps it is for the best, I guess. When I love, I love too hard and yet when my heart gets broken, I still love the person who broke my heart in some way. If I were to put it into words, I guess my heart is torn up with many missing puzzle pieces and I know that those pieces will never return somehow.

I turned 26 this year and I find it hard to believe that I've been through ups and downs of relationships since I was 14. Sometimes I thought to myself, wow it's been 12 years since my first ever relationship? Out of all of the six exes I ever had (I had really short relationships and mostly got dumped), I can safely say that only one remained as a friend who I can talk to almost all the time and the other one who I thought would stay friend as well has become really distant from me.

I admit that when I was younger, I crushed easily and it was very easy for me to confess and I was naive enough to believe that the guy felt the same way for me when they told me that it was ok and for us to try working out a relationship only to find out later that I was being used all along. One guy who was my confidante once confessed to me because he couldn't stand me crying anymore for another guy who dumped me through a phone call and yet six months later, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore.

I actually for once went through a rebound phase after that because there were no obvious signs at all that our relationship was in trouble and yet to get a text saying "let's break up, I don't love you anymore", I think my world kind of turned upside down a little bit. Best part was that I was actually acting out a break up scene the next day for an assignment video so needless to say, the poor guy acting out the guy dumping me actually got slapped for real when he couldn't dodge in time.

It was then I realized that I was really affected by the break up and I even stupidly confessed to one of my best friends at that point in time but my best friend was smart enough to realize that I was just going through a rebound stage hence he never returned my feelings. I guess there were already signs that it would not work out with the guy who dumped me but I chose to naively believe that love would conquer all and that it would be us against the world.

I was only 18 at that point in time and yet I felt like I didn't want to fall for someone again for a long long time. I guess fate has a funny way of playing with us as I fell again less than a year later and it was my longest yet most disastrous relationship ever. I lost so many things in that relationship, I lost my spark, I lost my innocence, I lost my naivety but most of all, I lost that part of me who trusts in love.

When I finally left him after all of the abuse, I realized that I found it hard to believe that I was worthy to be loved and also hard to trust anyone saying that they loved me for me because I jumped through so many hoops in order to be loved by him and was never made to feel that I would be loved for myself that until this day, I still carry that insecurity with me despite having in a committed relationship for almost 5 and 1/2 years now.

Occasionally I see people younger than me and they have so much hope for their relationship and me being the cynic will be thinking to myself that they should just wait and see. I wish I never lost that naive side of myself because it does get really hard to believe that you can loved just for being yourself and that people can be trusted. I'm always 99% in but 1% out just so that I don't 100% lose myself ever again.

We Don't Talk Anymore

Somehow when I listen to this song by Charlie Puth feat Selena Gomez, all I can think of is you. What happened to us? We talked pretty much everyday, if not through calls then it was through texting.
You were the one I leaned on, the one who knew of everything and the one who knew something was wrong just by the tone of my voice even if I don't say anything but now? I can't even remember the last time we talked face to face alone.

It has been six years, six years since you gave me hope to love again but the person I fell in love with was not you. Perhaps there is a reason for this but at the same time, this hurts a lot because I was never given a proper closure and you do not want to give me one.

It has been 9 years since you left me with a lousy piece of excuse but when I asked for the truth, you just said that it was the past and that I shouldn't try to rip open that can of worms but how can I not when I know for a fact that you lied.

That look on your face when you saw me in that dress was couple of years too late and sometimes I do wonder if you had wanted me back at all. That January night in 2008 after we broke up in October 2007 will be one that I won't forget because that was the moment that I knew you lied and yet you still wouldn't admit your true feelings.
Yes, I kissed you but you kissed back and it was different from lust, it had a taste of regret but yet when you finally pushed me off, the look in your eyes was unmistakably regret with a tinge of fear. Did you fear falling for me? Because if you did, I'm sorry to say that you had already fallen before that and I can tell that you regret it.

If we both had taken risks back then, would things have turned out differently or we would still be here not talking anymore? Somehow I find comfort writing my ramblings here because I know somehow you won't ever read them. I love my boyfriend very much but that piece of my heart will always somehow be yours because you ripped it out and never returned it.

Kisses

Do you remember the first time we kissed? 
I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't 
But reading that journal entry again made me relive it 
It was meant to be a chaste goodnight kiss 
that quickly turned into a passionate French kiss 
What I do remember most was the last time we kissed
We had already broken up by then
I guess it was my last attempt but as soon as it was over, 
it was clear that what was broken could not be mended.

Ode To The Past

I have met a soulmate
but alas we were never to be
He, the angel and I, the fallen one
The moment our lips touched,
it felt perfect and pure yet
sinful and pleasurable at the same time.

The one that got away was never fully in my grasp
but I was lucky to call him mine
even if it was just those short three weeks
As days, weeks, months and eventually years went by,
I still wondered if he had ever loved me
even if it was just for a short moment.
Perhaps if he did then this heart will not
still have a hole that is left by him ripping that piece out
and it was never marked return to owner
because he never wanted to return it.
Perhaps that is all that is meant to be
for this chapter of the story that
will be left open ended as the end is
one that is left to fate and destiny to write.

You were but a boy and I was but a girl
Who were we to think that we could
stand a chance against this world?
When you left, it didn't hurt me
that you were leaving,
the thing that hurt was that
you said you no longer loved me.
The deeper I fell, the more you
pushed back and recoiled.
Even when years passed,
all you could say was that you
must have been stupid for
falling for me back then and
here's my reply to that,
I was stupid to have accepted
your love and to love you back too.

He must never be named because
he doesn't go by the name I know him
by anymore
The one I lost most to but also the same one
that taught me that love can be taken for granted
because he took mine for granted
The one I trusted all of his lies and the same one
that I told all of my truths to
The one that I saw myself walking down the aisle with
only to find that it was not the same vision that he had in his mind.
The one who said forever promise first yet
the same one who broke it first
The one who raised his hands at me and yet the same one
I defended because I loved him that much
The one who no longer is in my life neither am I in his
We're just strangers who knew each other
in a past life because the me that was with him
died the moment that the illusion was shattered.

Breathe

I'm a little bit tired...tired of trying to show that I'm ok and I'm alright when all I want to do is collapse and cry like everything is over.

Some days I do wonder if I start the cuts again, will I ever feel better? Will I ever feel like at least I'm showing it through physical pain even though I can't release it mentally?

Alcohol numbs the thoughts, sleep forces my thoughts to take a break but when I'm awake, my thoughts keep racing through my mind and it doesn't help. As much as I love you, there's a piece of me that hates you at the same time.

That piece of me that feels like maybe if you weren't there, I can let go and just disappear, disappear away like I never existed and maybe then I can finally breathe.

Yellow Brick Road

I've never been one to follow down the path of the yellow brick road. I tend to chart my own path however over the past few years, I feel like I need to keep changing to follow someone else's path and this hurts a lot. I feel suffocated and choked up. Occasionally I pause to stop and think but at the same time, I wish I can go back to being the carefree me. The me that no one cares about but at the same time, it is too late to go back to that path.

White Flag

I give up. I really do. No matter how much you try and try, it will never be reflected in someone else's eyes. Perception is really everything. Although there's a saying that if you assume then you are making an ass out of yourself and the person but assumption is always everything.

I am just about ready to throw the white flag for everything. When your feelings feel as messed up as this, sometimes there's just nothing to do but give up and wallow in a hole for a little bit. No one loves you as much as you want and no one will appreciate you until you are gone. As much as you want to avoid being hurt, there's no way to avoid it but to keep yourself buried and hidden out of sight.

Hate and love, they are both the same, just on opposite flip sides of the coin. But yet, the bitterness of both feels exactly the same.

Lies

Maybe I never really gave up, maybe I just bottled everything up hoping that one day, everything will spill out and things will get a closure but it never did. None of us said the words that needed to be said. You say it's the past and that I should just forget about it but how can I when I do not know the truth?

What is the truth? I can't answer that myself. Did you ever love me or was everything just a game to you? Was it fun kissing someone who you love as your sister? Was it fun to break my heart? It's been 8 years, 8 fucking years and yet everytime I picture that moment, it still hurts. We never did address what happened.

Maybe we never will or maybe things should just end this way. Who knows? You have your life and I have mine but the minute I think about the past, it still hurts. Why? I can't even answer that myself and the worst part is knowing that you will never know how I feel.


Lies-Big Bang

Yeah, love is pain
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours
Lie…

A late night and rain falling down.
I bring you back from my memories.
I promised myself I would be fine without you,
but I can’t help it.
I take in liquor which I don’t even know
how to handle trying to fill my empty heart.
A day without you is too long.
I pray that I may please forget you (that’s a lie).

Without you happiness cannot be found in me.
I can’t even shed any tears.
I don’t want to live anymore.

Yeah, this is bullshit, it’s pissing me off.
I’m going crazy in thoughts of you.
I want to see you, but I’m being told that I can’t,
that it’s all over (I’ll be right there).

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt

I dedicated my all into this song
And sung for you
(other people probably don’t know.)
By myself, without anyone knowing.
(yeah, those words I said were lies).

I’ve been left all alone
Keep roaming within the loneliness
The note for break up
Crumpled in my pocket, hey,
(“Where are you” the habit of calling you)
I’m gonna change,
I’ll laugh everything off from now on.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt

Oh oh oh oh oh,
I hope this is all a dream.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
because I only add up to this much.

Drop that babe,

I still can’t forget you.
No I don’t think I ever will,
even ’til the day I die, yeah.
Did the scars I gave you heal?
I’m sorry because I never got to do anything for you.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies . I didn’t know.
Now i realized that i need you.
I’m so sorry but i love you.
I gave you scars.
I should have never let you go to waste.

I’m so sorry but i love you.
It was all lies
I’m so sorry ( i’m sorry )
but i love you ( I love you more more )
I’m so sorry but i love you .
Can you leave me
and forget me slowly,
so i can get hurt

♥

Yeah, love is pain
Dedicated to all my broken-hearted people
One’s old a flame
Just scream my name
And I’m so sick of love songs
Yeah, I hate damn love songs, momento of ours

Late Night Thoughts

I banish the thoughts of you that creep into my mind with songs in my head and a good measure of a song that reminds me of the way that I felt. Everything was like fireworks, it sparkled and as soon as the beauty of it faded, it burn out and fizzled just like how the relationship went.

Everything felt amazing and great in that moment, It wasn't until I realised how I left a piece of myself behind that it felt broken. "If you walk out that door, everything will change. Don't ever think you can come back", that was the line said to me but do you know what I still remember hearing? The sound of my back slamming against the door as you pushed me against it, the sound your hand made gripping my arm so hard to prevent me from leaving. The grip that left me with such beautiful bruises.

But then again, scars and bruises fade but yet the ache in my heart doesn't. I will forever be left traumatised and scared of fully immersing myself in love. I love but cautiously and always with one part of me out of it. I tend to want to run when fights occur only because I am so scared of what happened in the past will happen again.

I should have never given myself up to you but then again, I was naively in love and sometimes, love makes everyone do foolish things that they would never do if they were thinking logically or had a chance to step back and think wisely. But if love was wise then no one would ever be impulsive. Love feels like you drank a little too much and as you are sobering up, you drink up again which becomes a never ending cycle.

You might never read this and even if you do, I hope you will not flatter yourself by thinking I'm still not over you. I'm over you, I'm just hurting from what you put me through which has left me with thoughts that should be banished from my head.

Linger

In almost an instant you can forget about the past if only you could let it go. But how could you let go the very thing that makes you who you are today? The very thing that allows you to step backwards instead of leaning forward and falling totally immersed into it?

Letting it go, that seems very easy. You packed up everything, you threw everything out. You took that one last photo but how can you rip out that memory in your heart? How can you forget how much those bruises hurt? How can you forget how much it hurt for you to receive that first ever slap on your cheek? How can you forget the sound that the door made when your back slammed against it when you were thrown against it?

You can't even remember the good days anymore, all you know is the scars and bruises that were left on you have faded but the feelings that were left in your heart still remain there. You can still hear the screams and shouts some days in your head.  You can still hear the I love yous and that I won't do it again if you don't anger me again.

You smirk at yourself thinking how you should have left but you didn't. Even if you had left earlier, would it have made a difference? You gave up that one thing that truly belonged to you even though it was not deserved by that person. In hindsight, maybe you only hung on for so long because you wanted or rather needed someone to save you.

When no one saved you, it took an accident to wake you up. When no one came to your rescue despite the obvious signs, it took a wreckage to help you out of everything. You rescued yourself out of it but are you ever really cured from it? Who even knows? Do you still love the same way? You don't even know yourself. Do you still have those lingering feelings? Maybe yes, maybe no but the only person who can answer is yourself and yet you wake up another day trying to put it behind you and yet it will never really go away.

Infinite

*Possibly fiction

It was short but during that short period, I felt infinite. I felt like I could do anything, I felt like maybe I could finally stop, finally stop trying to find anything to numb up that pain. That pain which I couldn't explain. When I was with you, it felt like time stopped and it was only us. It felt like we could go against the world if we wanted to but I guess only I wanted to.

You made me feel beautiful, you made me felt like I was worthy to be loved despite all of the scars all along my wrists and the bruises left imprinted on my knuckles. You made me felt like I was the only princess in your eyes. You made me want to freeze time so that we would never move on from that moment.

That moment when we first held hands in your car, the moment you kissed me back when I kissed you for the first time, the moment that you held me so tight almost like you were holding me for the last time which I later knew it was the last. Love that was so perfect that it was so imperfect to shatter and break.

Some people say if you knew someone for almost 7 years, it is like a lifetime friendship, we knew each other for ten years back then. Will we ever move back to those days? I don't think we ever will but that short period of time was when I felt most joy and yet that short period of time is also what gives me the most hurt.

I keep my distance only because you can't tell me the truth. We are no longer teenagers and a young adult but yet when we speak, it felt like we went back in time. Will you ever tell me why you left me? You said your reasons but it did not feel real at all. It felt surreal, I heard your piece but I couldn't believe it.

Infinite, that's what you made me feel. Beautiful, that's what you made me feel. Numb, that's what you made me feel but ultimately pain is what you made me feel.

Occasionally

Occasionally my thoughts suffocates me and sometimes there is no outlet. Maybe sometimes the best way to forget is to lose some memories.

Everything is slightly imprinted in the way a touch feels or the way a voice sounds. Occasionally a spark is felt by a touch or a voice but you got to remind yourself that things are never that way anymore.

Occasionally you see a photo and you remember how happy you were in that photo only to also remember that an argument happened before the photo was taken or that things are not so picture perfect.

Forgetting is never easy but maybe, just maybe, it is possible.

Suffocation Thoughts

Somehow I feel that I have one foot stuck in the past and I don't know why. These days, my dreams have been weird and I keep dreaming of people in my past and in my present but in an alternate reality and life. Signs probably? I do not know...all I know is that I hurt when I wake up after these dreams because it felt so real and so close but yet when I wake up to my own reality, it hurts to know that the dream never existed.

Am I not letting go of something in the past? I do not know, I have questions in my mind that I know that will never be answered but yet I'm not satisfied. I still want an answer at the end of the day. I guess curiosity really killed the cat but yet I still can't help but pick at it. It's like picking a scab and revealing the wound that stings but it feels good to do so.

Some days I do wonder if I had made a different decision, would things have gone down the same path? Too many thoughts swirling in my mind and yet I can't make sense of it all. There's always that one person who you will say yes to in a heartbeat if they would take you back but you know that will never happen.

There's always that one person who you know have lingering feelings for you and you for that person but circumstances have driven any chances to be together apart. I think there's nothing more hurting than to hear that you are the perfect person for that guy/girl except for a mistake you made that you can't erase or turn back.

It feels like you reach a 99% of a download but it failed at that final one percent. Relationships and friendships are such a blur in the lines sometimes that you do not even know if you overstep any boundaries. No, i'm not drunk. I'm very sober, probably messed up by medication but these thoughts have been swirling in my head and I just need to let it out before I choke and suffocate on it.