Stay? I Chose to Let Go

9 years ago, I asked you to stay. You asked me why and I couldn't give you the reason why. But now I realise why, we are soulmates in a very twisted way. We were never meant to be yet we will always be intertwined in one way or another. Our ties can't be severed easily. After that day, everytime we got closer again, you pulled back and distant yourself from me. When I was younger, I was stupid and never realise why you did so.

As I grew older and realised why, the reason hurt me even more. Everytime we got closer, you fell for me again. You tried denying it, you tried saying that the feelings for me have changed but I can tell from the tone of your voice and the look in your eyes. Even from your actions, you now hesitate to be in a place with me all alone, perhaps you are afraid you would lose control like that time we kissed 8 years ago.

We were already broken up by then, I guess I thought in my naive mind that I could change your mind. You returned my kiss, it was not lust but it was more of a regret with a tinge of love. I'm not saying that I would want you at this point in my life but what I'm saying is that I wish you would admit to yourself about your feelings because I still want to be friends but if we are going to keep going round and round in this circle of getting close then getting shoved away with no regards to my feelings then what is the damn point?

Like I said, we are twisted soulmates. Somehow with just a look, we both know the answer and yet at the same time, we are both afraid of mentioning it out loud. I know we will always somehow have love for each other in one way or another. I sometimes wish you were easier to sever ties with but I know deep down inside, I will hurt if we do so.

We once told each other our deepest darkest secrets and fears. We once kissed. We once made a promise that we will be there for each other but as the year is ending, I think I need to start forgetting everything and try to let go. You will always be that twisted soulmate of mine and I, yours but the fate of us ever being together for real is not in our hands. We had more than a "some" relationship, it went deeper than that but to protect my own heart except for that piece that will always be yours, I think I need to first walk away from trying to maintain any kind of friendship with you because it hurts to keep getting close then having you pull away.

Thank you for being there for me, thank you for saving me from my self destruction, thank you for making me believe that it is possible that someone will love me for me but most of all, thank you for making me believe that I was not worthless or tainted because of an arsehole. For that, I will forever be grateful but now it's time to love myself first.

Hence, I will no longer try to approach you first with no reason at all if you do not approach me because it hurts that it seems like I'm the only one interested in maintaining a friendship when it goes both ways. Thank you for everything and may you have the best of luck in all that you do.

Lonely

Writing this down while listening to Nomtom's rendition of Lonely based on his experiences. I relate to it so well, perhaps why I feel like crying every time I listen to it. I smile on the outside, I listen to others telling me their problem, I give advice to them and yet on the inside, I feel dead. Every other day, I look at my scars across my wrists and wonder when will I give in again. It has been 6 years, 6 years since the last time I took a knife across my wrist but yet every time my heart feels all choked up, I am so tempted to grab any sharp object just to inflict pain.

Maybe if it hurt on the outside then it won't hurt so bad on the inside. Although from past experiences, I know that it is not the case. I know this blog is public, I know that people I know may come across this post and think I'm crazy. I sometimes wish I really was then maybe there would be a proper explanation for the way I feel but I know the way I feel is actually an illness. People are usually surprised when I disclose that I do have depression because they look at me as their sunshine, their bubbly person and I do not fit into the depression stereotype but I believe what I have is high functioning depression.

Somehow everything I read about that condition totally fits me. Why I don't go to a doctor? I live in an Asian country, the minute you come clean about experiencing mental illness, everyone looks at you as though you are gonna go crazy and kill them although honestly the only person I'm killing is myself. I have learned to recognize when I'm triggered and I try my best to control but it is really really hard.

I can't honestly say that it gets better because it doesn't, I only learned to control it. I stopped self medication, drinking all of the alcohol just so that I could sleep, cutting but I'm dead on the inside. I suppress how I feel on the inside just so that it doesn't show on the outside but every day it gets a little harder. Some days, I'm so afraid that today will be day that I give up. Sure, there are people I talk to who try to understand and who claims they go through depression too but you can tell that their experience is so different from what I'm facing.

Nomtom's lyrics describes how I feel so well and that is how I'm gonna end this post.

lonely, why does everything I do, end up feeling lonely
am I doing something wrong? Am I turning slowly
into someone I fear , its drawing so near
so guess I have to face the truth and know that I am 
lonely, why does everything I do, ends up leaving slowly?

Moment

I keep reminiscing and coming back here. Mainly because this blog does not contain those moments.
Those moments that I wrote down while crying and had my tears stained the pages.
Those moments which I smiled so much as I wrote things down not wanting to forget how those moments made me felt but who knew that 9 years onward, it is those very moments that I would want to forget and erase.
Those moments which we could just look at each other and knew what the other person was thinking.
Those moments in which silence was comfortable and I felt like I could take on the world as long as I had you by my side.
Those moments that I truly felt loved without having to change myself at all.
Those moments when you took my wrist in your hands and promised me that I would never scar myself again because you would take care of me and not hurt me.
That moment when I realized that everything was just a band-aid and you never meant to heal me because you couldn't heal yourself first.
That moment when I realized that both of us were trying so hard to hang onto something which was never meant to be ours in the first place.
That moment when I realized you did love me back but it is now too late to go back and change everything.
That moment when I realized that even if we could go back, the outcome would have been the same one way or another.
That moment when I realized I will always love you somehow, someway.
That moment when I realized and regret that you will have always have a piece of my heart somehow but your's will never be mine.
That moment which is now that I realize that I should let everything go because if it was meant to be, things would have changed 6 years ago but it never did so this is our fate, to have love and loved but always reminiscing one way or another.

Closure?

And so we met, it felt like all of the other times and yet at the same time, it wasn't the same feeling at all. I guess we all needed time to grow up and confront our deepest feelings and fears. I think that what I feared most was to confirm that nothing in our relationship for that moment was never real and that everything I thought was real wasn't actually.

But I think that you had more fears than me, I think that you feared falling again and so a distance and gap which was never intended was created. I think what I felt sad most was not the fact that you lied but more of how I knew you lied and the fact that you actually still had feelings then for me although I guess both of us know we can never go back to those moments.

We talked and I asked questions, questions which you were obviously hesitant to answer but at the end of the day, you did and I honestly had thought that I would get my closure but ends up, I have more questions in my head than ever before. You knew there was something wrong between me and that arsehole, why did you not rescue me out of it? You knew you broke my heart, why did you not ever address it instead of ignoring the giant elephant in the room? You knew you still loved me so why did you leave me?

I guess I'm just typing these words out here for the sake of typing because I know that it will never reach you and that this will be our swan song letter.

Naivety

I've been reminiscing a lot recently and frankly speaking, I don't even know why. I think about past loves and past relationships and also friendships. There were at least two relationships in which it began from a friendship first. One of them acts like we never knew each other at all and the other keeps a distance from me as of this moment.

Perhaps it is for the best, I guess. When I love, I love too hard and yet when my heart gets broken, I still love the person who broke my heart in some way. If I were to put it into words, I guess my heart is torn up with many missing puzzle pieces and I know that those pieces will never return somehow.

I turned 26 this year and I find it hard to believe that I've been through ups and downs of relationships since I was 14. Sometimes I thought to myself, wow it's been 12 years since my first ever relationship? Out of all of the six exes I ever had (I had really short relationships and mostly got dumped), I can safely say that only one remained as a friend who I can talk to almost all the time and the other one who I thought would stay friend as well has become really distant from me.

I admit that when I was younger, I crushed easily and it was very easy for me to confess and I was naive enough to believe that the guy felt the same way for me when they told me that it was ok and for us to try working out a relationship only to find out later that I was being used all along. One guy who was my confidante once confessed to me because he couldn't stand me crying anymore for another guy who dumped me through a phone call and yet six months later, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore.

I actually for once went through a rebound phase after that because there were no obvious signs at all that our relationship was in trouble and yet to get a text saying "let's break up, I don't love you anymore", I think my world kind of turned upside down a little bit. Best part was that I was actually acting out a break up scene the next day for an assignment video so needless to say, the poor guy acting out the guy dumping me actually got slapped for real when he couldn't dodge in time.

It was then I realized that I was really affected by the break up and I even stupidly confessed to one of my best friends at that point in time but my best friend was smart enough to realize that I was just going through a rebound stage hence he never returned my feelings. I guess there were already signs that it would not work out with the guy who dumped me but I chose to naively believe that love would conquer all and that it would be us against the world.

I was only 18 at that point in time and yet I felt like I didn't want to fall for someone again for a long long time. I guess fate has a funny way of playing with us as I fell again less than a year later and it was my longest yet most disastrous relationship ever. I lost so many things in that relationship, I lost my spark, I lost my innocence, I lost my naivety but most of all, I lost that part of me who trusts in love.

When I finally left him after all of the abuse, I realized that I found it hard to believe that I was worthy to be loved and also hard to trust anyone saying that they loved me for me because I jumped through so many hoops in order to be loved by him and was never made to feel that I would be loved for myself that until this day, I still carry that insecurity with me despite having in a committed relationship for almost 5 and 1/2 years now.

Occasionally I see people younger than me and they have so much hope for their relationship and me being the cynic will be thinking to myself that they should just wait and see. I wish I never lost that naive side of myself because it does get really hard to believe that you can loved just for being yourself and that people can be trusted. I'm always 99% in but 1% out just so that I don't 100% lose myself ever again.

We Don't Talk Anymore

Somehow when I listen to this song by Charlie Puth feat Selena Gomez, all I can think of is you. What happened to us? We talked pretty much everyday, if not through calls then it was through texting.
You were the one I leaned on, the one who knew of everything and the one who knew something was wrong just by the tone of my voice even if I don't say anything but now? I can't even remember the last time we talked face to face alone.

It has been six years, six years since you gave me hope to love again but the person I fell in love with was not you. Perhaps there is a reason for this but at the same time, this hurts a lot because I was never given a proper closure and you do not want to give me one.

It has been 9 years since you left me with a lousy piece of excuse but when I asked for the truth, you just said that it was the past and that I shouldn't try to rip open that can of worms but how can I not when I know for a fact that you lied.

That look on your face when you saw me in that dress was couple of years too late and sometimes I do wonder if you had wanted me back at all. That January night in 2008 after we broke up in October 2007 will be one that I won't forget because that was the moment that I knew you lied and yet you still wouldn't admit your true feelings.
Yes, I kissed you but you kissed back and it was different from lust, it had a taste of regret but yet when you finally pushed me off, the look in your eyes was unmistakably regret with a tinge of fear. Did you fear falling for me? Because if you did, I'm sorry to say that you had already fallen before that and I can tell that you regret it.

If we both had taken risks back then, would things have turned out differently or we would still be here not talking anymore? Somehow I find comfort writing my ramblings here because I know somehow you won't ever read them. I love my boyfriend very much but that piece of my heart will always somehow be yours because you ripped it out and never returned it.

Kisses

Do you remember the first time we kissed? 
I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't 
But reading that journal entry again made me relive it 
It was meant to be a chaste goodnight kiss 
that quickly turned into a passionate French kiss 
What I do remember most was the last time we kissed
We had already broken up by then
I guess it was my last attempt but as soon as it was over, 
it was clear that what was broken could not be mended.

Ode To The Past

I have met a soulmate
but alas we were never to be
He, the angel and I, the fallen one
The moment our lips touched,
it felt perfect and pure yet
sinful and pleasurable at the same time.

The one that got away was never fully in my grasp
but I was lucky to call him mine
even if it was just those short three weeks
As days, weeks, months and eventually years went by,
I still wondered if he had ever loved me
even if it was just for a short moment.
Perhaps if he did then this heart will not
still have a hole that is left by him ripping that piece out
and it was never marked return to owner
because he never wanted to return it.
Perhaps that is all that is meant to be
for this chapter of the story that
will be left open ended as the end is
one that is left to fate and destiny to write.

You were but a boy and I was but a girl
Who were we to think that we could
stand a chance against this world?
When you left, it didn't hurt me
that you were leaving,
the thing that hurt was that
you said you no longer loved me.
The deeper I fell, the more you
pushed back and recoiled.
Even when years passed,
all you could say was that you
must have been stupid for
falling for me back then and
here's my reply to that,
I was stupid to have accepted
your love and to love you back too.

He must never be named because
he doesn't go by the name I know him
by anymore
The one I lost most to but also the same one
that taught me that love can be taken for granted
because he took mine for granted
The one I trusted all of his lies and the same one
that I told all of my truths to
The one that I saw myself walking down the aisle with
only to find that it was not the same vision that he had in his mind.
The one who said forever promise first yet
the same one who broke it first
The one who raised his hands at me and yet the same one
I defended because I loved him that much
The one who no longer is in my life neither am I in his
We're just strangers who knew each other
in a past life because the me that was with him
died the moment that the illusion was shattered.