i actually wanted to blog about something else today but i guess that will be for another post.Yes, i'm still jobless and yes,i'm silly to cry while blogging this but kind of upset after a phone call.
I had an interview couple of weeks ago and it is practically my dream job and what i really want and would love to do however i've had no replies at all.Called them last week and they said they have not made a decision yet and would hopefully get back to me by this week.
Me being the usual stubborn impatient me actually called them up today and asked...well,a decision has been made but the higher ups have not gotten back to them and let's just say the very kind lady did ask me if possible to move on with my plans and also look for other stuff and hopefully she should get back to me by next monday on whether it's a yes or no.
Indirectly i feel rejected again but this is even harder to swallow as i know that based on the job scope,this is one job that i would really love and stay in and what makes it worse is that i have always loved this company ever since i was little.
Maybe it's pms but its getting harder and harder to hold back the tears and swallow everything up and smile as though nothing happened.
Trust me,i know that a lot of people would call me stubborn and stupid for walking away from that probation that could have been a job at the end of the day but it's not that i don't want a job.Trust me,i'm probably the most job hungry person i know of right now but if possible,i do not wish to sacrifice my happiness and principles just to have a job.
I've tried applying for so many different types of jobs however the dart just never hit a bullseye...the one job application that i thought might just narrowly hit it seems so far out of my reach now.
Truth be told,i have had two people who were significant during my junior high and high school years appearing a lot in my dreams lately.Maybe it's just my fears manifesting itself in my dreams because these two people were the people i turned to when i faced rejection and other problems i had those years.
And ironically,these are same two people who i have not even spoken to on the phone for like maybe 2 years now...It almost feels like a sign that i need to hang onto something like i did those years or else i will drift away however sometimes i don't even know who to turn to anymore.WH have been trying really hard to understand me but the more he tries,the more i feel that he pities me and honestly,i don't really want that right now because our situations are so different that i do not feel that he understands what i'm going through but i do appreciate him trying...
I know that God has a plan for me but right now,everything feels so misted that i cannot see clearly where am i heading...and i feel completely far away from where i'm supposed to be.I really want some good news regarding a job however since December (yes,i've started applying for jobs when it became clear that my internship company has no space for me),it has been bad news one after another.Sometimes,it's a good day and i do get calls or emails to go in for interviews but nothing comes out of it after that or sometimes it's really bad that i have gotten four rejections in like a stretch of three days in a row.
Yes i know very well that this post sounds like a self pity post and i do agree with it but try to keep getting rejected and see if your self esteem does not feel ouch a bit...sometimes you try so hard and yet when it's not meant to be,it's just not meant to be.
With my anger and emo issues,i keep pushing people away and being in my little cocoon,i feel like i'm creating a force shield that says "stop rejecting me and hurting me anymore,i can't take it anymore". Yet,at the same time,i'm pushing away the people who love me and i'm sorry for that but i just really wish that this job searching would be over once and for all because i do not feel like myself anymore and my self esteem keeps crumbling day by day with the lack of emails and phone calls or even smses that i feel pissed at my network service provider for sending me spam smses and providing me hope whenever i hear my ringtone only to see a spam.
With all that being said,i do really hope that there won't be a "being jobless part 3" installment but you will never know...
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