Naivety

I've been reminiscing a lot recently and frankly speaking, I don't even know why. I think about past loves and past relationships and also friendships. There were at least two relationships in which it began from a friendship first. One of them acts like we never knew each other at all and the other keeps a distance from me as of this moment.

Perhaps it is for the best, I guess. When I love, I love too hard and yet when my heart gets broken, I still love the person who broke my heart in some way. If I were to put it into words, I guess my heart is torn up with many missing puzzle pieces and I know that those pieces will never return somehow.

I turned 26 this year and I find it hard to believe that I've been through ups and downs of relationships since I was 14. Sometimes I thought to myself, wow it's been 12 years since my first ever relationship? Out of all of the six exes I ever had (I had really short relationships and mostly got dumped), I can safely say that only one remained as a friend who I can talk to almost all the time and the other one who I thought would stay friend as well has become really distant from me.

I admit that when I was younger, I crushed easily and it was very easy for me to confess and I was naive enough to believe that the guy felt the same way for me when they told me that it was ok and for us to try working out a relationship only to find out later that I was being used all along. One guy who was my confidante once confessed to me because he couldn't stand me crying anymore for another guy who dumped me through a phone call and yet six months later, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore.

I actually for once went through a rebound phase after that because there were no obvious signs at all that our relationship was in trouble and yet to get a text saying "let's break up, I don't love you anymore", I think my world kind of turned upside down a little bit. Best part was that I was actually acting out a break up scene the next day for an assignment video so needless to say, the poor guy acting out the guy dumping me actually got slapped for real when he couldn't dodge in time.

It was then I realized that I was really affected by the break up and I even stupidly confessed to one of my best friends at that point in time but my best friend was smart enough to realize that I was just going through a rebound stage hence he never returned my feelings. I guess there were already signs that it would not work out with the guy who dumped me but I chose to naively believe that love would conquer all and that it would be us against the world.

I was only 18 at that point in time and yet I felt like I didn't want to fall for someone again for a long long time. I guess fate has a funny way of playing with us as I fell again less than a year later and it was my longest yet most disastrous relationship ever. I lost so many things in that relationship, I lost my spark, I lost my innocence, I lost my naivety but most of all, I lost that part of me who trusts in love.

When I finally left him after all of the abuse, I realized that I found it hard to believe that I was worthy to be loved and also hard to trust anyone saying that they loved me for me because I jumped through so many hoops in order to be loved by him and was never made to feel that I would be loved for myself that until this day, I still carry that insecurity with me despite having in a committed relationship for almost 5 and 1/2 years now.

Occasionally I see people younger than me and they have so much hope for their relationship and me being the cynic will be thinking to myself that they should just wait and see. I wish I never lost that naive side of myself because it does get really hard to believe that you can loved just for being yourself and that people can be trusted. I'm always 99% in but 1% out just so that I don't 100% lose myself ever again.

We Don't Talk Anymore

Somehow when I listen to this song by Charlie Puth feat Selena Gomez, all I can think of is you. What happened to us? We talked pretty much everyday, if not through calls then it was through texting.
You were the one I leaned on, the one who knew of everything and the one who knew something was wrong just by the tone of my voice even if I don't say anything but now? I can't even remember the last time we talked face to face alone.

It has been six years, six years since you gave me hope to love again but the person I fell in love with was not you. Perhaps there is a reason for this but at the same time, this hurts a lot because I was never given a proper closure and you do not want to give me one.

It has been 9 years since you left me with a lousy piece of excuse but when I asked for the truth, you just said that it was the past and that I shouldn't try to rip open that can of worms but how can I not when I know for a fact that you lied.

That look on your face when you saw me in that dress was couple of years too late and sometimes I do wonder if you had wanted me back at all. That January night in 2008 after we broke up in October 2007 will be one that I won't forget because that was the moment that I knew you lied and yet you still wouldn't admit your true feelings.
Yes, I kissed you but you kissed back and it was different from lust, it had a taste of regret but yet when you finally pushed me off, the look in your eyes was unmistakably regret with a tinge of fear. Did you fear falling for me? Because if you did, I'm sorry to say that you had already fallen before that and I can tell that you regret it.

If we both had taken risks back then, would things have turned out differently or we would still be here not talking anymore? Somehow I find comfort writing my ramblings here because I know somehow you won't ever read them. I love my boyfriend very much but that piece of my heart will always somehow be yours because you ripped it out and never returned it.

Kisses

Do you remember the first time we kissed? 
I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't 
But reading that journal entry again made me relive it 
It was meant to be a chaste goodnight kiss 
that quickly turned into a passionate French kiss 
What I do remember most was the last time we kissed
We had already broken up by then
I guess it was my last attempt but as soon as it was over, 
it was clear that what was broken could not be mended.

Ode To The Past

I have met a soulmate
but alas we were never to be
He, the angel and I, the fallen one
The moment our lips touched,
it felt perfect and pure yet
sinful and pleasurable at the same time.

The one that got away was never fully in my grasp
but I was lucky to call him mine
even if it was just those short three weeks
As days, weeks, months and eventually years went by,
I still wondered if he had ever loved me
even if it was just for a short moment.
Perhaps if he did then this heart will not
still have a hole that is left by him ripping that piece out
and it was never marked return to owner
because he never wanted to return it.
Perhaps that is all that is meant to be
for this chapter of the story that
will be left open ended as the end is
one that is left to fate and destiny to write.

You were but a boy and I was but a girl
Who were we to think that we could
stand a chance against this world?
When you left, it didn't hurt me
that you were leaving,
the thing that hurt was that
you said you no longer loved me.
The deeper I fell, the more you
pushed back and recoiled.
Even when years passed,
all you could say was that you
must have been stupid for
falling for me back then and
here's my reply to that,
I was stupid to have accepted
your love and to love you back too.

He must never be named because
he doesn't go by the name I know him
by anymore
The one I lost most to but also the same one
that taught me that love can be taken for granted
because he took mine for granted
The one I trusted all of his lies and the same one
that I told all of my truths to
The one that I saw myself walking down the aisle with
only to find that it was not the same vision that he had in his mind.
The one who said forever promise first yet
the same one who broke it first
The one who raised his hands at me and yet the same one
I defended because I loved him that much
The one who no longer is in my life neither am I in his
We're just strangers who knew each other
in a past life because the me that was with him
died the moment that the illusion was shattered.

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Breathe

I'm a little bit tired...tired of trying to show that I'm ok and I'm alright when all I want to do is collapse and cry like everything is over.

Some days I do wonder if I start the cuts again, will I ever feel better? Will I ever feel like at least I'm showing it through physical pain even though I can't release it mentally?

Alcohol numbs the thoughts, sleep forces my thoughts to take a break but when I'm awake, my thoughts keep racing through my mind and it doesn't help. As much as I love you, there's a piece of me that hates you at the same time.

That piece of me that feels like maybe if you weren't there, I can let go and just disappear, disappear away like I never existed and maybe then I can finally breathe.

Yellow Brick Road

I've never been one to follow down the path of the yellow brick road. I tend to chart my own path however over the past few years, I feel like I need to keep changing to follow someone else's path and this hurts a lot. I feel suffocated and choked up. Occasionally I pause to stop and think but at the same time, I wish I can go back to being the carefree me. The me that no one cares about but at the same time, it is too late to go back to that path.